Ride a bike

Lunacy

2009-05-16T22:03:00.002-04:00

I miss the writing I used to do on this blog. The transfer to the new one is just not the same. I wonder what it is.

New Blog is UP!

2009-01-31T12:20:00.001-05:00

I have my new blog up- email me at jenlaurita@gmail.com if you didn't already get an email with the new address. Mike, I couldn't get in touch with you. Anyone else, see ya over there soon!
I'll be vomiting and wonderful there.

2009-01-20T09:04:00.001-05:00

best. tshirt. ever.

The end of this blog

2009-01-08T00:24:00.003-05:00

I've decided I'm am not going to write this blog anymore. I am definitely going to continue to blog, just not here. If you would like to still follow me, post here (we can work out contact infor) and I will let you know where/when the new blog will pop up.

Dear 2008

2009-01-05T21:54:00.004-05:00

Dear 2008,
It is with a mix of emotions that I say good bye to you. Without doubt you have been the hardest of all my years. You taught me a lot, you took from me a lot, and you are leaving me a far better person than you found me.
In your beginning, I started with promises. I have always enjoyed making promises to the New Year and 2009 will be no exception. I enjoyed keeping all but one of those promises to you, the exception being that I never did get to do a split. A silly ambition, I know, but one I wanted nonetheless.
I did keep my promises to you though, 2008. I promised to do a lot of nice things for people, and I feel I did that. Unfortunately, I did some really hurtful things to some people too, and it has helped me learn some extraordinarily powerful lessons. It helped me learn that for all the promises I made and kept, I didn't make the kind that are the most important- I didn't make any promise to be mindful. In the beginning, I had not developed a deep sense of mindfulness of others. My promises were all self-serving for the most part- ride a lot of miles, get published, lose weight. I didn't think of a deeper spiritual place, I wasn't selfless.
In your year, my 33rd, I grew more than I have ever grown before. I sat in front of a doctor and I heard the word cancer. It's pretty much the only word I heard that day, every other utterance is a blur. And I cried. I cried deep, choking, tears for literally months on end. Sometimes I cried for entire days. I don't mean that in a poetic way either. I cried for the hurt I caused, I cried for the friends I lost, I cried for myself and my body, I cried for my son, for my mother on her knees before me telling me she wished she could take my cancer. But I also cried for joy. I cried for the love that was given to me by so many people who knew I was hurting. I cried out of a grateful heart to the doctors and nurses and healers who comforted me and showered me with kindness. I cried when I heard the word benign. I'm crying now.
I am deeply grateful for all the lessons you gave me. You taught me that I possess strength deeper than I ever imagined, and more importantly how to farm that strength- how to plant seeds of goodness that grow into positivity. You gave me my religion this year which helps me everyday to understand the world and to be present.
As I reflect back on this year, I see major trials. Not even major, they were gargantuan. WERE. They're not anymore. And so into 2009 I carry a sense of peacefulness and happiness knowing that it's going to be a good year. It can't not be, I won't allow it.
I am looking forward to 2009. I am hoping that it will be filled with health for myself and my loved ones. I am hoping it will be filled with healing- healing of hearts, healing of friendships with people I still deeply miss, and many many miles of safe and fun bike riding.

Thank you 2008. Now go away.

Worst Resume Ever

2009-01-03T09:36:00.004-05:00

Once, a long time ago, I was a recruiter for AT&T. I would spend my days searching resumes, receiving resumes, interviewing, and memorizing Harry Newton's Telecom Dictionary which though it sounds terribly dull (ok it is) the author has a great sense of humor and infuses much of it into his dictionary with arbitrary cultural references and amusing anecdotes.
One day, I came across the single worst resume I had ever seen. I've removed the personal information and copied the body here.

Read it thoroughly, it's worth it- my favorite part being, "Taugted children basic skills in reading , writing". Then let's see how many errors you can find. For what it's worth, I contacted the person, offered to edit their resume and send it back to them, which I did. Months later I found the identical resume still on Monster. sigh.
My problem isn't that some people can't write well, or spell. It's that someone didn't take any care to have this looked over for even the smallest of errors. OR that a professional recruiter redid the resume for them to use instead, but they chose to stick with this one. Oh well.

All typos are original.

To obtain an award winning career so that I can use my skills to the best of my ability.

EXPERIENCE: 12/2004 - 7/2006 DR.Bunn's office Melrose Park, IL

Industry: Healthcare Services
Front office receptionis
Answering telephones , sceduling appointment Billing insurance companys and resolving billing issues.

11/2005 - 3/2006 kiddie kandidis Lombard, IL

Industry: Retail

SAles associate
I had to put the finishing touches on the pitchers the photographer has taken of the children and thie family so that they can purchase.

4/2000 - 10/2002 United chamber Downers Grove, IL

Industry: Healthcare Services

Customer service representative

Answering incominig calls from policy holders ,providers ,agents and master marketing representative and advising them on claims status.Resolve billing issues, provide policy administative asistanton claim analys and communicate with all otherdepartment on behalf of the policy holder, providers and agentmastering representative.

11/1997 - 5/2001 Broadview Park Dist Broadview, IL

Industry: Education

Child care coordinator

Supervised small children ages 3-5 Taugted children basic skills in reading , writing and drawing. Maintained a safe playing enviroment for the children.

EDUCATION: 12/2005 OLympia College US-IL-Burr Ridge

Some College Coursework Completed
I graduated from olympia college with a 3.5GPA in the medical administrative Diplomia program.

Starting the new year off right

2009-01-01T19:44:00.001-05:00

Alright so I started the year off well by riding this morning. I spent the majority of my day cleaning the kitchen and prepping foods so I can be back on my healthy eating plan. It was a great (and generous) indulgence to allow myself to eat pretty much whatever I wanted, though I was still reserved about a lot of things, I still refused to add sugar to anything, but I ate nut balls covered in powdered sugar (for breakfast of course). Don't try to understand my logic, it's very complicated- unless you're a woman reading this and then you understand.
So, back to the no flour, no sugar, no meat, no dairy, no dried fruit, no soy. Sounds restrictive but it's a very great way to eat when you get the hang of it- and no food ups and downs. I have no cravings, though I do feel I need to eat several small meals a day.
Anyway, my dessert right now is cantoloupe with fresh lime juice squeezed over it. If you've never tried this, you definitely need to. The lime is just the most pleasant brief sour taste before the sweetness of the cantaloupe.

As an aside, I would again like to thank my mother for the whooppee cushion she got Gray. Boy that is the gift that keeps on giving. I especially loved it when I was trying to take a nap today and Gray snuck into the room and assploded, scaring the whooppee out of me.

New Year's Day ride 2009 pt. 2

2009-01-01T12:02:00.005-05:00

Crazy, party of one.

Ah this bench. I've sat on this bench for so many thought-filled moments- when my sister learned her brain tumor had returned, when I was considering heart surgery again, when I've just needed a place to reflect. Today, it somehow didn't seem as inviting, can't quite put my finger on it...

I think this is my new favorite picture. Go prayer flags, go!!

So here's me, after my very short ride. It was 19 degrees to start and with the windchill it was below zero. I rode just out to the Piermont Pier and back, stopping along the way to hang the prayer flags and take pictures of the extraordinary day. As I was tying the flags, my fingers burned with cold and I thought, "This is what it must be like to die on Everest". And I thought of all those beautiful flags flying in the wind around Everest. I do so love all things Everest, Bear Grylls book, The Kid Who Climbed Everest" is one of my favorite books. But I digress...

Shawn and Joppa came out to say hello. Poor Daniel, got sick last night and is in no shape to ride. It was nice to see their smiling faces and get some really great hugs. In 2009 I vow to ride a ton more miles with both of them, two of my favorite people who I really just love. Thanks for coming out you guys, it meant so much to see you. We talked for a few minutes and I declared that today's ride was really going to be in ceremony, it's way too dangerous to actually ride roads- we got a bunch of snow yesterday and the black ice coupled with the massive wind gusts were just too daunting. I'm crazy, not stupid. But as such good friends, Shawn and Joppa offered to follow me in their van while I rode- that's bike friends for you- they understood my need to ride, not even one attempt to talk me out of it. I love that more than I can say. Wow, good people.

So, yeah, the ride itself was relatively uneventful, thank goodness. I rode very slowly and carefully- I didn't bother to put my bike shoes on, just my sneakers. I just took my time and tried not to get blown over. I think I did about 1.6 miles total. And that was enough.

2009, off to a good start! May we all have the wind at our backs.

New Year bike ride

2009-01-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

I hung these prayer flags down by the end of Piermont Pier. They immediately went to work, I think I've never seen it so windy on the pier. More pics to follow when I get home. This is one crazy day for riding.

The fun house

2008-12-30T16:06:00.004-05:00

How many pencils can fit in one pocket?!

What a great day for a project!
Someone gave Gray this house for Christmas- I instantly knew we'd love it. Automatic fort!
Today we decided it was time to put it up and decorate it, we had some extra company, my neighbor Jay and his daughter Julia and adorable Noah and Gray of course.

So this is the house "before". Julia reminds me of me here- anyone else think so?

Slowly coming along...

Here's some of the finished product. I actually wove the duct tape on the door, including a duct tape kick plate that you can't actually see.

The kids had so much fun putting their own special touches on the house. And bonus, this activity involved all of us, having fun together, for the entire afternoon. No tv, no video games, and tons of laughter. We didn't even finish half the house.

10K statue stolen from Madoff- love it

2008-12-29T08:31:00.003-05:00

$10K statue stolen from Madoff's Florida estate

My favorite part of this story is the quote from the investigator- "no leads, not a single clue". Read: We're not bothering to look. Go take more, we won't have any clues then either.

(CNN) -- Police say a sizable statue worth more than $10,000 was stolen this month from the posh Florida estate of Bernard Madoff, the Wall Street investment adviser accused of operating a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.

The 4-foot-high statue, which portrays two lifeguards sitting on a bench, was stolen December 19 from Madoff's estate in Palm Beach, police said.

The theft happened eight days after Madoff was arrested in New York in connection with the investment fraud allegations.

"The property manager left the residence one afternoon, and when she returned, she noticed a statue that was normally kept by the pool was missing," Palm Beach police Sgt. Richard Sorge said.

Sorge said investigators have "no leads, not a single clue" in the investigation of the heist.

Sweet Pea update!

2008-12-28T20:07:00.001-05:00

From Natalie, "...In the next few weeks, I will send you an initial design drawing of your Sweetpea so you can have a little chunk of your future joy to look at."

YEAH!! Ooooh, I can't wait.

That is all.

Cool or creepy?

2008-12-27T10:27:00.003-05:00

UPDATE: I've decided. CREEPY.
So here's this company selling extra large contacts so you can look like a Japanese cartoon character. Wow. I'm stuck between cool or creepy. Certainly awesome for Halloween...And I can't help but wonder how they help make your eyes watery.

Anyone who's seen Japanese comics, cartoon videos or anime art is instantly struck by the common look of the girls - big eyes that, by making the rest of the face look small, add the cuteness and sex appeal prized by many Japanese men. Since no amount of cosmetic surgery will make actual human eyes larger, some girls are trying another way to up their cute quotient: extra-wide contact lenses!

These are no ordinary contacts - they're not only tinted, but tinted prominently in the extra-wide outer ring. The result is the appearance of a bigger, wider iris.

To quote the sales copy, "Wanna get big, watery shiny eyes without any surgery? CRAVE AND ENVY NO MORE!"

The extra-wide contact lenses are made by a variety of companies including Geo and Dueba, and cost in the $30-$50 per pair range. It seems they're not just cosmetic - send in your prescription and the lenses will be made to order.

Christmas Day ride

2008-12-26T16:26:00.004-05:00

I don't know why the hill profile seems to understate the magnitude of the hills we did on this ride- it's making the ride look hill-benign which it absolutely was not. Oh well. I can tell you we weaved all over Suffern in an effort to stay warm and make our short one-hour ride time count. Who am I kidding, I would've dragged Daniel up these hills even if we had all day. They just felt so good!
It was ridiculously windy (I think 35 mph gusts) which made the otherwise mild day get bitterly cold. No matter, I was so happy to squeeze in some ride time on Christmas Day before heading off to visit family.
Very little traffic on the nice back roads we took and not too much ice/slush on the roads. My mom's driveway- a completely different story. We had to saddle up on the road. It's nice though that Daniel and I have a standing (no pun intended) agreement that should one of us fall it's expected the other will laugh first, offer help second. That's friendship for you.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Platelet donation #1, Done!

2008-12-24T18:15:00.003-05:00

I got up ridiculously early this morning to make it to my platelet donation appointment at 7:00. The black ice and frozen car-sicle didn't stop me from getting there. I was pumped!
Went through the usual check in procedures and then I went to the chair. Donating platelets is totally different from donating blood- blood is drawn out and then returned to your body after the platelets are removed. The needle this time seemed a little bigger than the usual, or maybe it was just a tad more painful. No big deal. And the blood drawing part is a piece of cake- however the return portion is a little uncomfortable.
Blood is allowed to draw out at a natural rate, but it's returned much more quickly so it creates a sort of pressure in your vein. It's also cold- not catscan contrast cold for those who know, but it's slightly cooler than when it comes out. I was glad the phlebotomist told me that before I felt it, it was a little freaky.
All in all, this entire process took a little over an hour. There was no dizzy feeling, no ill feelings at all except for the discomfort of the blood going back in and a slight tingling feeling on my lips from the anticoagulant used in the return process. And I learned my platelet count was 284 which they said was very good. Who knows.
I definitely recommend doing this- platelets are used in cancer treatment and if there aren't any available, it takes 8 pints to get enough for one treatment. Wow! And unlike blood which can only be donated every 56 days, platelets can be done every 3. They are only good for 5 days, so the demand is always there.
It felt awesome to do this. I loaded Office Space on my JenniPod™ and zoned out. And I got to eat cookies for breakfast. Lunch and dinner too (thanks Wil!).

I'm blown away

2008-12-23T14:11:00.003-05:00

I'm totally blown away.
I just received this card and a bag of York Peppermint Patties (my favorite) from a student I haven't taught since I was in Georgia. A lot of times teaching is a pain in the butt. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, it's maddening, it's complicated and all-consuming. And then you get a student like this- one who stays with you through the years.
What an amazing thing it has been to witness her growing into a woman from the 12 year old girl I taught and tried to get to eat stinky cheese in class. That she is growing into such a supporting, strong woman, wow. Just wow.
Totally made me cry. I much prefer the happy tears.

Such a fun night

2008-12-21T13:07:00.002-05:00

What fun last night was. I was supposed to go dancing with my friends Vanessa and Angelique but we changed plans and decided not to venture out into all this snow. Then I went to Toga and chatted with Tony for a bit- I've known him for 3 years or so and never hung out- he's got this energy about him, one of those people that knows everyone, that you feel instant friendship. He also happens to give phenominal hugs.
Anyway, when I should have been finishing my Christmas shopping, I instead took a gorgeous hike at Hook Mountain in Nyack (which actually was flat and right along the Hudson) in the bitter bitter cold- I felt invigorated by climbing through the deep snow, feeling the stinging air numb my face and fronts of my thighs. What a workout it was! Got to pet a few doggies, always a plus in my day, then came home for a bit and decided to take Tony up on his offer to dance.
We met at Casa del Sol to listen to a local favorite, Frankie D. We danced. And danced. And danced. I met the band, I was almost cajoled into playing the congas but thankfully my performance anxiety won and I got to go back to dancing.
Saw an old friend I have missed, met some new friends, and had just the most fun time. A much needed catharsis I have to say. And I think it's the first time I've been out in that sort of situation since I've given up alcohol, not that alcohol has ever been particularly prominent in my life. I didn't miss it at all. It's just as much fun to watch other people embibe. Though the desire to stop for a slice of pizza was nearly overwhelming...that one I still struggle with.

Technologic and Gray

2008-12-19T20:37:00.002-05:00

Gray absolutely loves this song. He cannot stand still when the Lincoln commercial comes on. So I grabbed it from YouTube and caught him dancing. It's funny because he and I dance every day and this song makes him move his body in a completely different way.

Heck, here, I'll put this up too. This is our afternoon dance time.

Platelet Donation Day!

2008-12-18T08:52:00.003-05:00

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting a tinglin' too, c'mon it's lovely weather for a platelet donation with you....

DECEMBER 24th, 7:00 AM I'll be giving my first platelet donation.

Who wants to come with for whole blood donation? Or platelets? The platelet donation takes about 2 hours. I getting up early and getting it done.

Go here to check it out.

Why did this remind me of Gerry?

2008-12-17T13:15:00.003-05:00

OMG. I am laughing.

And this is just unbelievable.

One more. To brighten your day:

Wonderful night ride

2008-12-15T20:51:00.005-05:00

I would have liked to edit these movies together alas I can't figure out how to do it in iMovie. I think perhaps it's not possible in the format my phone records and I don't care to try to figure it out.

It's funny what things look like at night. A large tree stump looked like an elephant, the reflective eyes of the deer like marbles. I hit a bunch of potholes, even though I was intently scanning the road. I slid out on a manhole cover, and Grrmin took me on a very dangerous, ultra busy busy road that I thought might surely kill me.

I was so happy with the ride for several reasons. First, it's a gorgeous night. It started raining ever so slightly when I started, but I was determined to do justice to my LiveStrong jersey that arrived today.

I felt strong. I felt my body remembering how I ride- three months is a long time to not ride regularly. My legs were loving the effort, and I was able to maintain 18-20 mph for quite some time. I particularly loved maintaining my cadence up the small inclines. I don't know what exactly it was, my body just fell into the rhythm. I didn't need my usual 10 mile warm up- maybe that's the effect of my better nutrition? Who knows. But it was a fun night, that's for sure. And p.s. the LiveStrong jersey is extremely comfortable and well-fitting. I'm excited to be wearing it.

Sunday Ride con senor Daniel

2008-12-14T18:20:00.003-05:00

I was in the mood for hills, today didn't disappoint. I feel fresh, I feel happy, I feel like getting back in shape! I'm happy to say I've sufficiently hit on the formula for keeping warm, so the winter riding isn't as painful as it once was. Or maybe I've just gotten better gear, who knows.
We left from my house late in the afternoon, both of us dressed in so much black we looked like we were going to rob someone. If black is slimming then we were both two-dimensional. Actually, I am almost two dimensional, but that's another story.
We rode up Jacqueline to the Apple store, though I couldn't convince Daniel to buy me anything. Some friend.
Took a little meandering way back, then I graciously gave Daniel the option of going back the flat way or heading straight and hitting a hill. I said it was steep. He didn't care. So steep we went. Man, that hill felt good.
The ride was a little short but who cares, it got our blood pumping and fresh air in our lungs. Daniel's bike is ridiculously light. I think if I had a bike as light as his, I'd easily gain 2 mph. It's not fair, it's not fair!!
If anyone wants to buy me a Cervelo, let me know.

Like something from a Godfather movie

2008-12-12T15:23:00.000-05:00

That's just weird.

'You're cancer free'

2008-12-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

The best words I've ever heard.

What I'm eating these days

2008-12-08T12:42:00.003-05:00

This is one of my new favorites, super easy to make too.
Rinse a can of organic chick peas- I tried in vain to use the dried ones- I let them sit in water for like 2 days, they never softened enough. I also have tried the boiling method and well, they just don't taste good.

I like best to use fresh green beans too, but I'll use frozen when I have to. Never canned, they're just mush.

Put the chickpeas and the green beans in the pan at the same time, add about one tablespoon of toasted sesame oil and sautee. Yes, I sautee with toasted sesame oil. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe it's got too low a smoke temperature or something but call me crazy, I do it anyway and it comes out very nicely.

Go easy with the oil, it's easy to over do it. I don't like when it tastes especially oily or greasy on my lips. I add a little more as it's cooking and the beans are softening up, sometimes I put a splash of water too to help them along and keep the chick peas moist. (Gasp! Oil and water? Together in the same pan?!)

Just before I'm done I salt the dish, turn the heat up to super high and stop moving things around in the pan so everything can brown on the bottom. Let it sit on the high heat for about a minute.

Sometimes I sprinkle raw sesame seeds as a garnish, more often I add them to the pan while cooking- when they get some oil and brown up they're delicious.

Simple, vegan, delicious. Slightly nutty, very filling. And you can spell people's names with the beans while you're eating.

Sunday Snowy ride

2008-12-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

Ride with Daniel- ninja style. I'm smiling, and totally cozy. It feels amazing to ride with a gleeful heart. Lots of snow just before the ride, but just wind during. 23 miles and I'm feeling wonderful- time to build up my fitness again.

Gingerbread stuff

2008-12-06T17:40:00.001-05:00

I made the Christmas tree, all the kids did the house. What fun!

Benign Breast Tissue

2008-12-05T12:46:00.002-05:00

Benign Breast Tissue
Negative for tumor
Benign

The surgery on Monday found no cancer.

I am healing. I am happy. I am humbled. I am grateful. I am sobbing. I am better.

I'll follow up next week to have my incision checked and to talk about radiation.

There are no more words.

Surgery #2, the low down

2008-12-02T02:10:00.004-05:00

Well, the good news is that I didn't faint. Thank god I didn't need those awful guide wires this time- I was so anxious today that had I needed them, I surely would've fainted again, I know it.
Fortunately, because I didn't need the wires, I didn't have to get to the hospital at 6 AM, I could roll in a leisurely 1pm. I really considered again riding my bike there, especially since it was 50 degrees, but I acquiesced to sense and logic. When did I start doing that?
Arrived on time, very very nervous. It seems sometime last week I exhausted my supply of strength and mental fortitude. As each day passed, I found myself more anxious. I always had that slight cry feeling in the back of my throat- I could cry at a moment's notice, whether from fear, sentiments of love, whatever.
Saturday, I had to indulge it. I cried all day. And I don't mean that in some poetic cried-myself-to-sleep way, I mean I cried all day. I found I couldn't stop myself, even when I wanted to. I had to send Matt and Gray away because I didn't want Gray seeing me so sad for so long. I tried to take a shower to break the cycle. Instead I found myself laying down in the tub, crying, and praying to God, to Menla (the medicine Buddha), to the universe to heal me. Actually it was more like begging. It was pitiful, but I needed to just get it out.

I heard a saying once, "In order to rebuild, we must deconstruct". In some way I feel Saturday I was deconstructed. I cried out of fear, I cried out a self-pity, I cried out of pure release, I cried out of anger, I cried in anticipation of the pain, I cried at the injustice, I cried at the profound impact this has had on my life. Though my first surgery was weeks ago, I still have trouble with Gray being close to me- five year olds are all elbows and knees, and though my waking movements were comfortable enough, the spastic nature of my child has meant keeping Gray from getting too close. That's freaking profound- a child belongs next to a mother's breast, not at arm's length. So, I cried about that too.

Today was relatively uneventful. Got to the hospital, had some blood tests, went to the Center for Ambulatory Surgery, got signed in, changed, answered the same 10 questions 8 times- are you allergic to medications, have you eaten today, do you have a living will, would you refuse a blood transfusion.

I met with the surgeon, it was good to see him again. He had an intern with him this time. The anaesthesiologist came to talk, I think she was a Lilliputian. I've never seen such a tiny half woman. Why are anaesthesiologists so physically diverse?!

This time I was given a choice to walk to the OR or ride in a wheel chair. I walked damnit. I even skipped once or twice. Entering the OR didn't scare me this time- I knew to expect the death-chamber bed and autopsy lights. Seeing Dr. Davidson waiting for me with that clear mask covering his face was a little off-putting, was he expecting me to be a bleeder?

I laid down, got the IV in my hand, was covered in many toasty warm blankets, and went night night as I meditated and received all the healing energy being sent to me- thanks everyone! You did good work!

I woke up from the twilight sleep crying. Long streaming tears falling to my neck. I don't know why that happened, but it did. They brought me to my momma, I talked with the surgeon for a bit, ate a little and got dressed to go home. Took a few percoset and here I am, snugly warm in my new ultra soft sweatpants, eating strawberries, and about to go back to bed.

Arif came to visit me today too- all the way from across the world and this awesome kitty!
It was so cool to get so many emails, texts, voicemails, and visits. Wow. At one point today, my table was full of bags of groceries people brought- hot soup, organic carrots, strawberries, decadent chocolate thingys.

I'm set with a library of movies, a kitchen of yum, and a cleared schedule for sleeping. Also a knowledge that there are doctors in the country, specifically one in California, treating DCIS without radiation. And though my surgeon doesn't recommend me forgoing it (my mom let the cat out of the bag, I wasn't going to tell him), it's being done.

I love you- everyone who has given me their strength, their healing, their love, their offers of help, I love you in the most profound, humble way. I have never felt alone or unsupported for any one second of all this and I am grateful beyond measure. Onward to healing!

Today's note

2008-12-01T14:25:00.001-05:00

Mommy was inspired. Dr. Davidson laughed. About to go in.

Getting ready

2008-12-01T12:59:00.000-05:00

Waiting for preadmissions testing with momma. Again, we're both in Life Is Good shirts. I can think of exactly 1 million other places I'd rather be. But still I feel grateful for this care.

My LiveStrong Challenge

2008-12-01T10:49:00.003-05:00

How interesting that today is the day of my surgery and today is the first day of the LiveStrong challenge.
In a nutshell, I've decided to raise money for LiveStrong in 2009. I, along with Daniel-formerly-known-as-Danielb, will be raising money with Team Fat Cyclist.

Here's my donation page. And if you want to post who you're donating for, I'd love to make a list of people we're honoring.

I'm planning to do a bunch of events this next year to raise money- fun stuff. Oh, maybe I'll make a LiveStrong hula hooping contest- I can see the hoops now...Well, anyway, thanks.

148

2008-11-30T10:38:00.002-05:00

Wow, I lost more weight.

148 lbs.

I haven't weighed this little since high school. And that's after multiple Thanksgiving dinners (which admittedly I didn't eat much of).

Neat.

Countdown to Surgery #2

2008-11-27T21:43:00.002-05:00

I don't feel like talking too much about medical stuff tonight- suffice it to say I'm having another surgery on Monday. Yeah, not looking forward to it, it is what it is. I'm bummed. I just started sleeping on my stomach again, I just started getting good hugs again, and now reset. Oh well.
I'll go in at 1 on Monday, surgery is scheduled for 2. I will be asleep (thanks Percoset) for the rest of the day.

Love you guys- thanks for checking in and all the positive vibes.

Turkey Trot.

2008-11-27T09:55:00.001-05:00

Me and Daniel out to see Gerry at the Turkey Trot. We're so cold in this picture we can hardly stand. Brrrr! We rode. Gerry ran. Riding wins, hands down.

Danielb's alien bike

2008-11-26T14:11:00.004-05:00

Jeff Jones, that's the builder. I believe he's from planet Krypton because this bike looks like something from outer space. It's a titanium frame and that's pretty much all the details I'm going to attempt to provide because I'm sure to do a woefully inadequate job at getting anything right.

It was so cool to head over to Danielb's house and help him build this. Really, I did most of the work while he played with the most adorable progeny on earth. But I didn't mind, I especially enjoyed building the wheels, spoke by spoke. Ok, really my "helper" status has been nicely maintained just as it was growing up where I excelled at holding things til they dried, blocking the light, and snaking my arm through insulated walls to run cable wires.

This adorable tot Noah helped as much as me by repeatedly attempting to bang his hammer on Daddy's new toy.

There are so many cool aspects to this bike I can't even begin to appreciate them. I'm so looking to riding with Daniel and really seeing what this looks like in motion. We both took a test ride in the dark freezing night and wow, what a ride. I felt like I could do anything on it- it begs to jump and bounce over things. Which brings me to an interesting dichotomy- here's the beautiful, artful, perfect new bike screaming to be pushed, yet it's a beautiful new artful bike that if it were mine, I'd want to keep dry and warm hanging on the wall as I read it bedtime stories and adjusted the lighting to make her titanium gleam.

I had a really cool moment too appreciating the titanium and knowing that I had bits of this gorgeous metal in my body. Matchy matchy!

Anyway, congratulations Danielb on the newest addition to your stable. Thanks for letting me grease the screws and hop on- many many happy, safe, healthy miles!

Portland, Part II

2008-11-25T08:46:00.002-05:00

After the fitting, Natalie took me and the doctors to her studio- I was so surprised- I wasn't expecting to get to see it and I wasn't expecting it to be so small. It's just one (unheated?) room with a few bike stands, some tools, a couple of huge windows, and a place for her doggie.

Natalie showed me how she sands the joints on a frame and running my fingers of the joint I can tell you it was like buttah. I don't know why I was so taken back by it, but seeing the actual hand crafting really touched me. Each bike is really just perfectly molded, every millimeter with the cyclist in mind.
So after Natalie, I went for a long walk. I was intending to head to the bookstore, but I had made a date with my new friend, Steve, to go see Twilight. (Excellent movie btw.) So I slowly made my way 4 miles or so home, stopping for lunch, stopping to take pictures and enjoy the Portland lifestyle.

Always what strikes me is how people add art to ordinary details of life- a few broken pieces of mirror made into a porch hanging, a mosaic through a crack of the sidewalk, random signs of inspiration here and there.

I love Portland because this was my breakfast on Saturday morning. I stayed at my friend Shelly's house, but she was out of town, so in essence I was staying with two people I've never met before, Steve and Selene. I met Steve at about 1 AM when I arrived to the house (yay me for not getting lost through two buses). He was instantly a friend- he offered to drive me to my appointment the next day or whatever else I needed while I was there.

Oh, and got much kitty love- watch this til the end, that's the good part.
After a short chat, I went to bed and the next morning, Steve made breakfast. How divine to be taken care of like that- I liked that he grew the sprouts himself, I liked that he had picked the blueberries himself. I liked that when I said I take only agave in my coffee it wasn't this foreign request, of course they had some in the cabinet. That's Portland.

So Sunday was my marathon day. After a nice afternoon on Saturday, I got to meditate, I got to snuggle by the fire with the kitty, I took a little nap, I was ready for my walking. I set out to walk to the bookstore, and then to a cute little section of town for some shopping. It was a perfect 45 degrees, I bundled up with my scarf and gloves and started walking. In about 4 miles I hit my favorite Thai restaurant, bummed that the bike shop next door was closed. Had a bite to eat and then went to Powell's. I wanted to sit there for a really long time, but after doing a bit of writing, I headed out to shop. I had never been to the 23rd street area of Portland before- it's kind of high-end quaint shopping, where really the stores are best for window shopping.
I hung out for a bit, got to pet lots of dogs, bought the most awesome vintage red dress, and then started my walk back. And after having walked 11 miles, I was back to where I started, tired but happy.
Steve played his baby grand piano, I played Shelly's clarinet. We talked a lot. A lot lot. Selene came home and sort of just curled up by us, we all just shared our day.
Later that night I had a healing session with Selene, she's a Reiki practitioner. We discussed some of what I was going through- physical, emotional, whatever, it was all fair game. I found the session of energy work to be so cathartic- I really did feel the glow of the healing light, I really know some change took place in my body and mind, and I am so grateful for it.

Every time I go to Portland, wonderful things happen there. This trip was no exception. I got what I needed, I was a friend to someone else, I miss it already.

Yeah, I miss it already.

Sweet Pea, the full story

2008-11-24T20:41:00.002-05:00

I arrived for my appointment a little past 10- the fitting studio and Natalie's shop are located in a large beautiful brick building. The appointment started off with introductions and then a series of questions to determine what kind of rider I am and what I'm looking for from this bike.
Questions were the sort of, "How many miles a year do you ride?" and "What's your cadence?". Pretty standard stuff. A lot of what my intention will be for this bike- I summarily answered that I wanted this bike to help me and keep me fit for life. I talked a little about what I'm going through and how I am looking forward to this bike serving me to continue to ride a bunch of miles, a bunch of hills, and to continue multi-day touring.

After the questions, I got changed into my gear and stood in front of Michael. He made observations about my posture or just how I hold my body I guess. It's a little, I don't know, interesting to just stand there and be studied. It reminded me of what the chiropractor does when he's looking at your body's balance.
Michael observed me from front and back. Then I faced front again and he told me to touch the floor, he was judging my flexibility.
After that he had me lay down on a yoga mat and he did some range of movement exercises with me where me lifted my legs and moved them this way and that. I thought surely they would declare my hip flexors tight- I always have that as an issue with yoga. But surprisingly he and the other doctors declared me very flexible. Go figure.
Then it was on the bike for a series of adjustments and critiques. We started with seat height, talked about the knee pain I'll occasionally experience on longer rides. I acknowledged that whatever position they put me in was comfortable for now, but that true fit doesn't happen until mile 70. Every one nodded in agreement and I was offered a job. Nice.
I especially enjoyed being coached on my own position, regardless of the bike fit. Michael obviously knows his stuff. He showed me what I should look like, how I should hold myself, and where I need to work on stuff- he promised strength and speed if I followed his advice. The profile pic represents the position I should ideally stay in- not a huge adjustment to my current riding posture, but I need to be more aware of keeping a bend in my arms my pivoting from my hips. Oh and to get and keep my cadence at 90.
I loved Michael and the doctors studying my pedal stroke, noticing the motion of knees. They saw the same things- their trained eyes helped me recognize that if I spin a higher cadence, my pedal stroke evens out, and when I engage my glutes, my knees don't move around as much as when I'm lazily just riding without thought. I will absolutely keep that in mind.
So, we finished with that stuff, chatted for a while. Natalie might have convinced me to go with 650 size wheels, as opposed to the 700s I currently ride. I won't be able to mix and match colors/tape so well, but it might be a better option for me. Though I'm 5'6, my frame size is small. Like really small. I like the idea of 650s. We'll see.
After the fit, Natalie showed me around her studio. I think I'll make that a separate post tomorrow. It was such a cool experience.

Anyway, lots more pictures of my trip are on the Flickr site. Check 'em out!

2008-11-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

I'm at my favorite Thai restaurant in Portland, drinking Thai ice tea and feeling pensive. This trip has been so interesting. Portland and the people here are healing. Next I'm off to Powell's bookstore then on a flight back tomorrow morning. Life is good here. I'll have a reiki session this evening, I can't wait.

Best sticker

2008-11-22T19:08:00.000-05:00

Just love it.

SweetPea fitting!

2008-11-22T15:57:00.000-05:00

I'll write all about it later but suffice it to say, this has been a most perfect day. Perfect.

Another in the Mommy and Gray series

2008-11-21T19:36:00.001-05:00

Really there's no reason I'm posting this other than I'm sitting on the plane waiting to finish boarding.

I'm off to Portland

2008-11-21T01:00:00.002-05:00

It's almost time for me to leave for Portland and hit Michael Sylvester's bike fitting studio. I'm up late tonight getting ready to go. I was told to bring my pedals, seat, handlebars with me to aid in the fitting, but I think I'm only going to bring my seat and pedals. Who wants to fuss with taking off the handlebars? Besides, I can ride my bike with no handlebars, no handlebars, no handlebars...(that's a song, I digress...)

In the process of getting ready to go, I've been trying to make sure I won't get lost in Portland. I used Google Transit to help me figure out how to get to the places I need to go. Except for to the airport and to the fitting studio, I'm content to wing it. So here I am, exceptional technology in hand, but no way to put it well, in hand. Enter Danielb who helped me figure out how to solve my problem.

I use the iPod Touch, or as I like to call it, the JenniPod™. (Thanks Wil for the ™ lesson). I've always been frustrated that without the wifi connection, the JenniPod™ is really just a movie/music player. Tonight, I learned about the app Air Sharing. Basically, it allows the iPod Touch and the iPhone to use digital paper.

I made some text documents I needed, then saved several versions of the Google Transit instructions as pdf files, which I am now able to carry on my JenniPod™. Awesome! The app cost $7, the most I've ever paid for one, but I can already see it will be invaluable to me, and so far it seems to function very well.

Of course I could have simply printed out all the maps I needed and put them in my pocket, but how very pedestrian that would be.

I never thought I'd be such a gadget geek but goodness it's fun. I also loaded some movies on the JenniPod™ for the flight and for delays. It's the immediate cure for impatience.

I did it! Pint #1, in the bag.

2008-11-19T17:24:00.008-05:00

This is the kind of pint I really wanted to be working with today, but no such luck. On the way to the blood donation center, Rita and I passed this office- do I smell chicken wings?
Well, yesterday Rita and I couldn't get it together to donate by me, so I joined her for her appointment in Nanuet.

After a short intake questionnaire, I learned that 1) I'm nowhere near anemic (always good to know that since I haven't eaten meat in 15 years) 2) having carcinoma in situ doesn't stop you from being able to donate, you can have a C.I.S. of many organs and it's an ok condition. That made me feel good. Good thing too that I'm just past the five year mark when I stopped getting paid to have sex with hepatitis positive men from the UK. Phew, close one.

The Race is On
Rita thinks I got stuck before her, I'm willing to call it a draw. She in her chair, me in mine, the race was on to see who could fill their bag first.

I believe I've captured Rita glistening with perspiration (or is that angel dust?)as she feverishly pumps her athlete-quality blood into the bag. Oh the lucky three people who will benefit from her goodness.

And I'm taking the zen approach- willing my blood into the bag.

One completed pint! Yeah!!

It was a close race, and in the end I think neither of us won. If you prick us do we not bleed at exactly the identical rate?

Purely for medicinal purposes, we were forced to partake of cookies AND cheese crackers AND apple juice. Gray too joined the effort, taste testing the "medicine" while we were donating. What a generous kid.

In the end I learned many things.
- I don't know why I've waited so long to do something that feels so wonderful. Knowing that my blood can save (that was the nurses word, not mine) three people- wow, that blew my mind

- It's really not unpleasant. I loathe needles, and this was just a little stick and then 10 minutes or so of chatting, laughing, and laying down. I even managed to watch the blood fill the bag. Gray watched too, it didn't bother him at all.

-I will be a blood donor for the rest of my life. I'm putting my 56 days on the calendar right now and in 2 weeks or so I'll make my appointment to donate platelets. (It will take that long to get me registered in the system)though you only need 72 hours after donating whole blood to donate platelets. They take the blood out of you, remove the platelets, and then pump it back in.

- I didn't get dizzy or feel unwell even in the slightest.

I'm pretty sure I'm AB positive, a rare blood type. I'm lucky that I can receive any blood at all should I need it. However, A, B, and O can't take AB blood.

And so of course now I'm trying to figure out what Gray's blood type is- you know they don't type children when they're born. (Who knows why not, seems silly. But I can use what I know to make a good guess. Walk with me...)

If I'm AB, that's my genotype (meaning my actual genes) and my phenotype (what my genes physically present as) is AB because both alleles are co-dominant.
Matt's phenotype is B. Meaning the other allele in his genotype could be O (but the B is dominant so it masks the O) or he could be BB.
None of this helps me in figuring out what Gray's blood type is because according to the Punnet Squares and the possibilities, he can be AB, B, or A. I'll have to find out about Matt's parents.
This is almost as exciting as blogging about plants.

Donating Blood

2008-11-17T18:20:00.003-05:00

Anyone want to go with me to donate blood tomorrow?

Email me or post here if you want to go- I'm heading to the blood drive probably about 6 PM. (I'll tell you where when you email.)

I've never donated blood before. When I was younger, I went through some medical stuff that really impacted my desire to have voluntary needles. The most memorable was the time a particularly pernicious phlebotomist inserted a needle, wiggled it about, and managed to thread it through my arm. A 15 year-old girl likes little less than a garden-hose sized needle piercing her flesh. (Fast forward, only months later I got my navel pierced by a substantially larger needle.)
One time I tried to donate blood with my mom, but I left as soon as we sat in the chairs. So, this is a big deal for me.
Or I should say, this would have been a much bigger deal if I hadn't spent the last three months going through medical stuff ten-fold worse than one simple needle. And plus, I've been around so many other people going through intense medical issues, surely I can do something to help them.
Tomorrow will be my first whole blood donation and I will immediately make an appointment to donate platelets, an invaluable thing to do for cancer patients, and inspired by a friend who did it in memory of someone else. A lovely gesture.
More about platelets in another post.

C'mon, let's go. Who's in?

Sweet Pea!

2008-11-16T20:09:00.010-05:00

A while ago, a friend introduced me to the loveliness that is the Sweet Pea bicycle. I should back up to say Portland, OR is one of my favorite places on earth, hands down. I go there as often as I can, which is to say sometimes several times a year. There's something about Portland that is so me- maybe it's all the hippie tree huggers, maybe it's all the bikes, I don't know. Maybe it's that the first 10 of 10 times I went there, it never rained.
Well, anyway, I started thinking about getting a new bike a while ago. At first I thought it would be this darling, the Ibis Silk.

Then it turned out my connection to a discount fell through and a completely built-up model was impossible to find (so no test ride) and the frame wasn't available in my size, though I searched several states as I was traveling.
Then came my diagnosis and so much sadness. Not to mention learning that diet plus exercise is as effective as some medications in treating cancer. So, the day after my diagnosis, I put a deposit down on a Sweet Pea. These are steel-frame bikes, hand built in Portland, OR by Natalie Ramsland . And they're amazing.

On Friday I'll be flying to Portland for my fitting which will be completely custom, it should take about 2 hours to make sure every aspect of my geometry matches my new bike's geometry. To make it more exciting, when I spoke to the guy doing it, he said if I could get there the 22nd, he'd have two of the nation's top sports medicine doctors there as well- I was so IN!
I've promised to take a ton of pictures, so look for them next week, or I'll try to blog from Portland.

I cannot wait for this weekend, I cannot wait for Portland, I cannot wait for this bike.

I have a ton of decisions to make about her too- I think I've decided on the color scheme, I think I've decided on a bunch of small details, but more major stuff, eh, who knows. Good thing I have some very handsome, knowledgeable, patient friends who 1) don't notice that they're being publically manipulated with blatant flattery and 2) are as excited about this as I am.

Here's just some more eye candy:

This one above is one of the nicest builds I've ever seen. Notice it's got generator hubs- so that means as you pedal, the hub makes the power for the lights. It's also got S&S couplers- that the silver joint on the tubes (you can see it right below the nose of the seat)- not only are these beautiful, but it makes it easier to take the bike apart for traveling. Unfortunately, it doesn't make it easy enough to me to justify the additional $600.)

This one's called Two Bite Curry. I do love curry.

Though I'm anxious for her arrival, I'm also still very much in love with Baby, though she hasn't been getting much attention lately. Unfortunately, recovery has been a little bit more uncomfortable than I thought, so I'm putting my energy into healing. Hey look, shiny bike parts...

Google Transit

2008-11-16T19:35:00.008-05:00

Do you know of this Google Transit? What a god send to someone as directionally challenged as moi.
Here's the deal- you go to to http://www.google.com/transit. Input where you want to start, where you want to end and what time you either need to leave or arrive. It will then give you several options, whether walking or using public transit- it tells you want times each bus or train leaves, what number line, etc. and then a lovely map which of course comes with that zany Google street view. Google street view has spawned several websites dedicated to finding bizarre captures; perhaps your husband coming out of a strip club, alien facial distortions or removed heads, or this guy about to commit a crime-

Well anyway, I'm going to Portland on Friday for a very exciting weekend, I'll blog about that next, but in the meantime I'm planning my trip and have been fully utilizing Google Transit to plan how I'm going to get from the airport to my friend's house, and how to get to my appointment. Here's an example of what it looks like when you've got your completed route- I arbitrarily put in Empire State Building to World Trade Center.

Thank you dear computer nerds of the world for making my heretofore atrophied sense of direction become utterly anachronistic and vestigial.

Nobu.

2008-11-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

the biggest dinner bill I've ever seen.

Delicata Yummi-ness

2008-11-14T11:03:00.002-05:00

Just made a batch of delicata squash, my first attempt after always just bugging my mother to make it for me.

First I should tell you that it's kind of hard to get delicata squash- stores usually only have it for a short time and then they usually only get a small amount. I found this squash in Whole Foods and snatched up 4. They're small, like the size of a large potato, and yellow-ish.

I cut the squash lengthwise with a large, serrated knife. Be careful, it's cumbersome work, watch those fingers too as you may need to apply a good amount of pressure. (My mom stabs these with a fork a few times and then microwaves them for about 2-3 minutes to soften them up, but I have been eschewing the microwave, so I muscled through the cutting.)

Scoop out all the seeds- a grapefruit spoon is great for this.

You can cut the squash into long quarters or bite-size chunks. If you choose chunks, try to make them all the same size so they cook at the same rate.

I threw all the pieces into a large bowl, drizzled them with olive oil and then tossed with my hands to make sure they were all coated. Go easy with the oil- I use a little too much today.

Sprinkle with thyme, dry or fresh. I only had dried today. This makes your house just filled with a yummy smell that fits with autumn perfectly.

I also sprinkled with some salt.

Bake at 425 degrees for 35 minutes or until the squash is soft. It should also brown nicely.

Enjoy!

Oh, just some catchin' up

2008-11-13T12:08:00.013-05:00

When you're nice to the nurse at your dermatologist's office, sometimes she'll hook you up with free samples. And when your nurse was scared about having breast cancer and you hugged her and stopped back in to check on her, she rewards you with a TON of samples, pictured here a mere sampling of my samples. Anyone need some lotion?!

So the other day, I had this perfect confluence of scheduling: I took the bus into Manhattan where I met a new friend, Chad, this crazy nut below.

He photographed the improv everywhere event I went to, and voila, a friendship is born. (Post edited to make Chad's comment look silly)

Then, I met up with Vanessa, a friend from high school I haven't seen since, well, high school, thanks Facebook! This is the best picture ever.
Vanessa and I sat and had a wonderful lunch of aduki beans and seaweed (well, her lunch was somewhat more wonderful I have to admit), and then we walked uptown where I met with another old friend I haven't seen in years. What a stunningly perfect day! I also managed not to get lost through a bus, two trains, and 50 blocks! (Thanks iTunes apps)

Just a pic I haven't uploaded 'til now, but this was the day I got the results from the surgeon. LiveStrong yellow. Though the news wasn't what I was hoping, it soon will be, so it's all good, right?

And last Saturday Melissa and I attempted to go to a church craft fair, but our efforts were thwarted.
So, uh, how exactly does one egress? Or ingress? It seems our national security problems are solved, simply apply 32 sized font signs to unlocked glass doors and it makes them impenetrable.

Melissa and I were confounded and sadly had to leave the church craft fair. Wonder who's feeding all the old ladies still inside...

Snowball- Another one bites the dust

2008-11-09T21:04:00.002-05:00

Wow. Just, wow.

Watch it. And then admit that you too were expecting different moves throughout the course of the song...

He's even in Wikipedia:
Snowball (born c. 1996) is a male Eleonora Cockatoo, noted as being the first non-human animal conclusively demonstrated to be capable of synchronizing the movements of his body to a musical beat.

The GJD ride series continues

2008-11-09T15:24:00.002-05:00

16.25 miles, I'm not sure of the pace, I don't think my computer calculated it right- Gerry, Daniel, what was your average?
Gerry, Daniel and I spent some time this morning making our way around NY/NJ on what turned out to be a stunning day. I was excited to try my new Cannondale Carbon pants, and really I was just excited to ride- too much medical stuff lately, not enough riding. I got to sport my new Fat Cyclist jersey too, which is super comfy, though the pockets on the back are annoyingly high up, I found it nearly impossible to put stuff in there. Grr.
Anyway, we rode uphill for a long time, it was a good way to warm up and find my groove again- that felt really good. Then we kinda went oh, I dunno, this way and that. We chatted, we thanked gravity where appropriate, we saw a ton of other riders out, including Eric J. That was cool!
At one point (probably mile 13) we stopped for a little pistachio break and for the first time in the ride, I felt some pain. Like a deep to-the-chest-wall pain, nothing excruciating, but enough where I decided it's probably smarter to end before it gets worse. So we rode back to Danielb's car (did I mention he got lost this morning?) where I decided to take him up on his offer of a ride to my car about 5 miles away.
It feels so good to reconnect to something I love. It feels normal and normal is just what I need. I'd like to keep the Sunday rides going, so if you want to join us some week, send me an email or post here and we'll talk details. (Cyrus! This is your chance...)
I think I might start working on a new route, we never seem to go west, or far west. What's over there?
Oh, and p.s. the Cannondale pants were amazing. They seem more carbon-y than fabric-y so 1) my butt looks like it's made of carbon 2)it makes a squeaky noise on my seat as I'm riding. But they were certainly warm and very very comfortable. Then again, it was well over 50 degrees so the true test of their warmth still remains.
One more thing, a special thank you to Gerry for not wearing see-through pants. Gerry, those ones today are keepers!

Afghanistan care package

2008-11-08T08:03:00.004-05:00

Many months ago, I worked with my classes to put together a care package (really a LOT of packages) for some people in Afghanistan. My good friend, SGT Eric Farina, is stationed there and appealed to me for some items for the children. Through the generosity of my students and their families, we were able to send a ton of goodies- candy,toys, shoes, etc. Today he sent me these pictures and emails. It makes such a difference to look into the faces of these children- I've written back to ask what else I can send, so if you're interested to contribute to another care package, I'll be sending one probably before the end of the year.

His emails:
I am attaching some pictures of kids who your care packages have gone to. And a local worker here on the FOB as well. He has five children who needed shoes. So I felt real good about that, and you should too. You should be proud of what you did.

Eric

Jenni,

Shabannah is my little "girlfriend" who has me like putty in her hands, Toothbrush girl is a little one who I threw the aforementioned oral hygiene product to over a crowd of obnxious selfish mysoginistic boys, and Kamin is the father of five who needs all the hlp he can get. These people are some of the recipents of your kindness.

Eric

Everyone who contributed to the packages should share in this pride and praise. Thank you!! Let's do it again! I'll be posting items I'll be collecting, but as always if you want to donate cash I'm happy to go and do the shopping or I'll apply it to the postage.
I'm happy they liked the last packages, this has made my day and it's only 8 AM.

Hey, I know, let's have more surgery.

2008-11-07T11:53:00.003-05:00

Well today could've been a great day, but not so much. I went to see the surgeon for my follow-up. To get right to the point, I need more surgery. More mammograms, possibly more wires, and definitely more surgery. A re-excision, they're not sure they got everything out.
I was so looking forward to being declared cancer-free today. I wore LiveStrong yellow to the appointment. I bounded up the stairwell 2 steps at a time, I joked with the nurse. I left crying.
I'm ready to be done with this.

The surgeon and nurse both looked at my incision and remarked at how beautifully I was healing, how quickly, they were stunned. Then they both said, "Ah, too bad we're going to have to cut there again." Ouch.

On the upside, my new jersey arrived today. Fat Cyclist.

Love it.

2008-11-06T16:17:00.001-05:00

Election Day- Voting and other stuff

2008-11-04T16:52:00.003-05:00

You know what I don't understand. Or maybe I understand too well. When I go in to vote, I sign in with my district. I sign my name next to the electronic signature already printed there. Fine, good. Then I am made to sign another slip that is perforated from a top part of the slip, both with a number on it. Today I was 96. Then I am given the lower part of the slip with just the number on it and I stand and wait for the polling booth. Before I enter the booth, I must hand over my number to the curmudgeon, er, man standing between the two booths, who takes it and places it next to the machine I enter.
It seems very much as though my vote can be tracked, no? Something's fishy. I don't get why I have to sign a slip with a number associated to my name and then hand it to the polling dude at the exact moment of my vote.
Anyhoo, I voted today and loved it. No lines, no problems, though I did send a text message while waiting for Kim and an old lady yelled at me, "Is that a TELEPHONE?!! There's a sign, no TELEphones" (her emphasis). Technically, I wasn't using it in the capacity of the telephone, but rather than split hairs, I continued my text message as I left the gym. When I reached the door, I finished and turned right back around.

Then I picked up Graybear and saw his school pics....awhhh. It made my day. Look how tall he is in the class photo- it looks like everyone else is sitting in that row. He's a good boy.

Surgery Day

2008-10-31T22:20:00.006-04:00

Mommy and I both arrived for surgery wearing Life is Good shirts. Mine was intentional, I wonder if hers was too.
I showered last night, set my alarm, meditated for a while and fell quickly to sleep.
Got up this morning and headed out- nothing especially interesting to report initially- got there, got registered wearing my cat ears and tail, got lots of laughs and smiles, I liked that. It was a nice addition to my day to have extra people smiling and laughing with me.
I was brought to the breast center and given some clothes to change into- I have probably never worn so many yards of fabric as I did today- big baggy scrubs for pants, a tablecloth-sized "shirt" and a matching robe so big it would make a dashiki look like a corset.
The plan was I'd have some mammograms taken, have two guide wires injected into my breast (with dye) and then go back to the pre-op waiting area for my surgery several hours later.

They called me back to ask me again if I had anything to eat, if I was allergic to anything, blah blah. Maureen, my mammogram technician was so kind and sweet, I appreciated her smile and calming presence. We chatted for a minute- she shared with me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30s and now she was 55 and that everything will be ok. It was a kind story that almost made me cry- she is a sister in this, as so many are.

She explained the procedure: I would be put into compression in the mammogram machine, and that from the moment I was put into compression I was everyone's first priority. She'd take a picture, and send for the doctor who would come in to first inject me with Lidocane, after the Lidocane, I would receive two more needles, each one would pass a wire into my breast. The purpose of the needles is to guide the surgeon to the exact excision point since it's not like you can see the microscopic cells like you could perhaps see a tumor.

The doctor came in, she and Maureen discussed the wire placement for a minute, I received my first needle. Keep in mind I was standing up and had no anti-anxiety meds or sedatives. I was ok for the Lidocane but then I started to get dizzy. Very dizzy. As the wire was going in (ouch, by the way) I said that I was getting very dizzy. The nurse leaned firmly into my back and next thing I knew I was waking up laying down with nurses and doctors yelling as I was doused with cool water and immediate reassurances from the 4 ladies all around me, including my favorite nurse from my last two biopsies, Marg.

Fainting was actually a surprisingly peaceful experience. I already had my eyes closed, so it felt like I was just falling asleep really really quickly. I had time to think, "Oh this isn't so bad, I'll just zone out and wake up and it'll be done." No such luck, they managed to only get one wire in. So I sat for a while, waited until I was no longer dizzy, and then got ready for the 2nd wire. This time, the doctor stayed in the room so I wouldn't have to wait in compression for her to come. The 2nd wire, though somewhat painful, went rather quickly and I was able to rest again. I also was injected with blue dye to further show the surgeon where to cut- the dye hurt the most of anything. I started to think with the wires to guide the surgeon, the blue dye to guide him that I was a sort of paint-by-numbers project.
Before the tech started this whole process, she took out her marking pen and made an arrow on me to make sure everyone knew it was my right breast. I borrowed her pen and wrote this note- it's hard to read here but it says, "T.Y. for your care".

Though the process stunk, I really do feel grateful to everyone for their kindness.

I was sent back to the pre-op waiting area by wheelchair thank god, and well, waited. I had a movie loaded on my JenniPod (tm), so I zoned out while Mommy took a snooze next to me.

Met the anaesthesiologist who explained that he'd be putting me in a "twilight" sleep. I countered with the request for a "deep deep" sleep. He laughed. And he had extraordinarily hairy ears. Really, he looked part hobbit.

The surgeon came in, I signed some releases including one that said I was having a partial mastectomy. When you put it that way, it's scary, but better than the two options below it, believe me.

So the next part surprised me the most. I was wheeled to the operating room. Now any other time I've had surgery or procedures, you're put to sleep in your bed and never actually see the operating room. Today I was wheeled to the door, chatted with Rose for a minute, and then brought right into the room. Awake. So I could see the scalples and needles and wires and operating table which looks like the death chamber table- it had the arm rests like this:

I started to cry. I caught sight of too many things and that big light above the table...ahhh, it was too much.

I layed down, my tears falling to my ears now, and took some deep breaths to calm down. The IV was started as I was strapped to the table my legs, something really I wish they had done after I was already asleep.

I fell quickly to sleep and woke up fine. I was curious to know if I had any heart trouble while out, thankfully he said no. My vitals were all great, I was wheeled back to the post-op bay and my momma came. Apparently she asked him about what he found and he said he did not find any additional cancer in that area, so that's good, but not cause for over exuberance- the pathology results will be done in about a week.

I felt fine after surgery, I took a percoset and had some salad. And really that's that. I came home, fell asleep for another 4.5 hours, got up to eat with Gray and Matt and here I am, about to go back to sleep.

Thank you for the phone calls today, the prayers, the good deeds you did. Thank you for your support and love and caring. I am humbled by all your goodness!

And now your moment of zen:

Soon...

2008-10-31T11:34:00.000-04:00

Im getting ready to go in. I fainted a little while ago during the pre-op getting the guide wires in, but I'm ok now.

We're here!

2008-10-31T06:36:00.001-04:00

About to go in- wish I had coffee. I've got my costume on, I'm all set!

Countdown to Surgery

2008-10-30T12:40:00.005-04:00

UPDATE: Actually, I'm not nervous anymore. What a difference a half a day makes.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. My palms are sweating just while I type. I will be ok, I know I will be ok. I hope I come home tomorrow and write that it was all worse than I made it in my mind. In the meantime, I'm trying to stop looking at the clock and counting down in my head. I need my mind to be back in the strong place.
Then I read the Fat Cyclist's blog this morning. Basically he's a guy who started a blog to publically shame himself into weight loss, and fast forward he's a well-loved guy whose wife is dying of cancer. Breast cancer. She has taken a turn for the worse and he has been blogging of her struggle. Today's entry scared me and un-nerved me a little. I know I'm worlds away from her situation- worlds away. But she also sat in a room and heard "breast cancer" from a doctor, like me. There, connection made. So, blah, just gotta get past that...

Anyway, tomorrow I will arrive at the hospital at 9:00 AM and start the process- I'm hesitant to describe the process now, I don't want to scare myself anymore. But my purpose in writing any of this at all is to share with other women who may stumble across this blog in search of their own answers, so I want to give as much information and reassurance as I can. I'll probably write about it tomorrow.

In the meantime, let's swirl up some good karma. Tomorrow, will you do something good? Help someone, drop off food to a food bank, carry groceries for an old person (Gerry, what time should people arrive to help?)...that sort of thing...If you feel so inclinced, would you drop me a note and tell me? You can keep it personal or let me know what it is- post here or email me, that would be super to read. You don't need an account to post here, you can choose anonymous and just sign your post with your name. Or not. Or email me at jenlaurita@gmail.com It would make my day.

Both awesome and ridiculoulsy scary

2008-10-29T18:52:00.004-04:00

Empire from Empire on Vimeo.
I want to be just like these guys. And I want to be nothing like these guys.

Please keep the discussion of this video to a dull roar as you debate both the coolness and the dumbness. I mean it, keep it down- don't make me stop this car. Readysetgo.

P.S. Thanks to Chad for sharing! Keep the bike videos comin'!

Sunday Friendship Ride

2008-10-26T14:41:00.003-04:00

Wow, what can I say about today's ride. It was perfect. I haven't seen too many bike friends lately so I was so happy when so many people came out to ride. Today it was Gerry, Barbara, Rita, Gene, Shawn, Debbie, and Danielb. Luckily, it was warming up nicely by 10 when we set out from Piermont. I was comfortably dressed, didn't even need toe/hand warmers.
We rode about 15 miles together on relatively flat terrain and I loved every second of catching up with everyone. Gene hasn't ridden since early summer when he pulled a groin muscle (not bike related)- Rita said he wanted nothing to do with bike riding. So when he showed up, I started to cry, I was so touched. What sunshine he is. And Shawn and Debbie! I missed riding with them so much, I should harass them to come out in the cold more often. The rest of us were in jackets and gloves and tights- Shawn was wearing a two-piece bikini I think. Or shorts and a short-sleeve jersey if you want to split hairs, but it might as well have been a bikini. Debbie looked adorable in her new pink shorts that I want her to sell me- I'm offering double what she paid, how can she pass that up? (Ok, she got them from ebay for $0.99. I'm so jealous.)
Barbara overcame her non-riding inertia to hang out, I never noticed before that she wears lipstick to ride- very chic Barbara! Gerry, well, what can I say about Gerry. I tried desperately to not listen to whatever it was he was saying, but I think he managed to sneak a few words in here or there. He cracks me up. He offered to bring along his recent trophies, I told him I didn't realize they gave trophies for oldest competitor. Who knew.
Danielb is the real reason this ride happened- every Sunday I know he's gonna ride. Or he's going to ask me to ride. And that makes it easier for me to ride, except when it's cold. Or rainy. Or overly windy. Or if I feel fussy. Or sleepy, or cranky...wait, no, I'll ride cranky, but otherwise, I've been such a wuss lately. My plate's been pretty full, I should ride more to let go of stress. Yes, I think I'll try that. So thank you to Danielb for being so steady. As a token of my appreciation, I allowed you to win that last town-line sprint. Shhh, let's not speak of it. You're welcome.
And Rita. I am so happy she came out with her smile and her happiness and her absolutely never-ending love. And patience for my yapping. I can really yap a lot and she takes it all in no matter what.
Man, I am blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people. Really, really blessed.

Just me.

My options.

2008-10-23T20:36:00.004-04:00

UPDATE: I took this video as we got off the elevator. Doesn't do the place justice though.

Today I met with my new surgeon and radiation oncologist. I'm still struggling with the fact that I have to go see an oncologist. I really loathe that. Man my shoulders are tense. Ok, I need to regroup. Let's get on with this.

The surgeon appointment went well, I liked him very much- he got my jokes, and almost took me up on my challenge to draw a circle on the Etch-A-Sketch Gray brought to stay occupied.

We discussed the surgery day, now one week away. I'm pretty fine with that whole thing. After he left, the nurse stayed behind so we could talk about him. I like her so much, Chris. We laughed, we talked a little, she said she was going to come see me the morning of my surgery and really, she's got no reason to do that. She's going to come just to see me. That made me feel really cared for and it helps a lot.

Then I went downstairs to the radiation area. Downstairs doesn't do it justice. I descended. Down. And down some more. I passed Dante having a cappucino. Really though it was two levels below ground into the lair. It's blue down there, like the humming blue fuzz of the ground before lightning strikes. Gray and I were immediately off-put. Through the hallways which seemed more like catacombs, we came to the sign-in desk. I walked past a woman in a hospital bed who was obviously very far into her treatment. Or not. Then I stood in line behind a woman who was obviously very far into her chemo treatment, she had no hair. And I was in front of a woman complaining the "machine" was broken yesterday so she didn't have her appointment. And that it was broken this morning too. And last week.

I signed in and was chatting with Gray for a minute before we were called to the exam room- Gray was wearing purple latex gloves that we pilfered from the surgical exam. His sweaty little hands seemed very happy to Etch-A-Sketch.

The radiation oncologist came in quickly and proceeded to talk at me for an eternity. I consider myself a pretty intelligent gal, especially so when discussing all this cancer stuff- I've been reading scientific journals, I've been teaching myself, I'm pretty well-versed in the jargon. Still, I had trouble hanging on to all that he was saying, that's ok, I've got the jist and here it is.

Radiation. (Also called radiotherapy though no part of this seems like "therapy").

The hospital does a 1 week intensive course- you go in twice a day for one week for this targeted radiation. I wanted this version, I could've been ok with this version I think. But I am not offered this version, it's for people 45 and older. Why not me? No reason, I'm just outside the study parameters. The doctor was partially apologetic about it.
I asked about the 3-week course I'd read about in the New York Times. No. They're doing that in Canada, not here. It's not the standard of care that "we're" recommending for you. Why? Just because we don't do that, it's not the standard of care.
So, my only option is a 6-week course of radiation. 30 treatments of high-intensity whole-breast radiation. Not localized which I would have preferred.

What's my problem?
Here goes:
1) Radiation changes the tissue of your breast. Fancy medical talk aside, it changes it forever.
2) Radiation can cause cancer. 1 in 10,000 will develop sarcoma in a 10-20 year follow up study.
3) Radiation is a one-shot deal. If I play this card now and get breast cancer again, this course of treatment is a non-option.
4) Tissue that has been radiated is difficult to reconstruct should I ever require a mastectomy and want implants it's not easy or doable or something, I don't know. It's not the "same".
5) Lots and lots of other scary possibilities- burning of the skin, thickening of the tissue, swelling of the breast that may never go away, blah blah scary stuff.

Well then, maybe I should not have radiation!
1) I will have a slightly higher chance of getting this again
2) I will have to be very highly monitored to make sure cancer is not developing. This means:
Getting mammograms/MRIs/sonograms or whatever every 6 months
The doctor said I will have post-surgery changes in my breast that will be confusing on the diagnostics, meaning I'll continue to be a pin cushion for every shadowy image on every test.
3) I am very very young. I should be doing every single thing I can to make sure this doesn't return.

If I have surgery without radiation, I will have to live in this shadow of doubt every six months for who knows how long.

If I have surgery with radiation and some time down the line cancer returns, my immediate option will only be mastectomy in the radiated breast.

Other stuff:
-various trials suggests a small improvement in survival with the addition of radiation to lumpectomy

-In the study that followed women for an average of eight years after lumpectomy with or without radiation, 1.6 percent (14 women out of 814) died of breast cancer. But recurrence rates vary, depending on the treatment, ranging from 1 to 2 percent at 10 years after a mastectomy to 32 percent at 12 years after a lumpectomy alone.

-Gradishar and Dr. Kathy Albain of Loyola University Health System noted that the Lancet overview found a significant increase in second breast cancers, lung cancers and heart attacks in the patients who received radiation

-"In doing this study we wanted to capture outcomes among those women who opted not to undergo radiation."

In women with DCIS low- to intermediate-grade level of risk, (I have intermediate DCIS) the recurrence rates were 6.1% in the ipsilateral breast and 3.7% in the contralateral breast after 5 years, said Dr. Hughes."I think we can say that if these women would have had radiation, these rates would have been halved," she said. "Numerous clinical trials have shown that radiation decreases the risk of recurrence by about 50%."

"I think that a 6.1% recurrence rate is acceptable," Dr. Hughes said.

I can't help but wonder about the women who had recurrances. What were their life styles like? Did they have the BRCA gene? Did they smoke? Did they exercise? Did they do all the healthy things that I'm doing and will continue to do? How much of recurrance data tracks that? I can't find any.

This decision is immense. And intense. And I'm petrified. Ten times today I was sure of doing the radiation. And then I was sure of not doing it.

Biopsy #3 results are IN

2008-10-22T13:30:00.004-04:00

The last biopsy came in as a benign lymph node. Thank god!! The doctor felt pretty certain it was a lymph node but went ahead and biopsied it anyway. By far, that has been the most uncomfortable- I'm terribly black and blue for a large portion of my breast but that's ok, it's going away a little every day.

This afternoon is my appointment with Ken Andes, acupuncturist extraordinaire. Tomorrow I'll meet with the potential new surgeon and the radiation oncologist whom I will attempt to convince to recommend either:
a) no radiation
b) the one-week intensive radiation (twice a day for 5 days)
c) much less than 6 weeks of radiation, in that order.

I will plead, beg, and offer baked goods in order to get him to see things my way, though I suspect I may not be so lucky.

And now your moment of zen:

I made this sign for my (old) friend Gerry who was competing in a duathalon. I was teaching in the city so I made it ahead of time and had it snuck onto the course. He did well, winning his age group (which was just listed as "old"). Though I have my suspicions he may have been the only guy in that age group because everyone else is most likely dead.
Congrats Gerry!

Just plain silly video

2008-10-21T09:37:00.002-04:00

Sometimes Gray and I just take videos talking or being silly. This one makes me laugh every time I see it.
Oh, and yes, I'm wearing cat ears. I'm gearing up for my Halloween surgery day.

Pumpkin pickin' 08

2008-10-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

Chill in the air, smell of freshly baked cinnamon donuts, hay underfoot- Sunday was a great day for getting pumpkins. Note to self; Conklins pumpkins peak way too early, stick with Demarest Farm.

The Great Schlep

2008-10-19T21:01:00.003-04:00

In a nutshell- Sarah Silverman is promoting grandchildren visiting their grandparents in Florida to convince them to vote for Barack Obama. Check it out here:

I want one of those t-shirts!

Taught my first Savvy Cyclist class

2008-10-18T18:47:00.003-04:00

Certified last week, co-taught my first class today in this room, called the Chapel. What could be better- teaching a bunch of beginners, talking about bikes all day, and getting paid to do it? Really I had it kind of easy because my co-teacher did a lot of the work for this, so I got to teach some, sit around some, and then lead skill drills which was a lot of fun. I think leading a group of 10 cyclists through Manhattan would be difficult on a good day, but if those cyclists are people on bikes that don't fit them or if they're people who haven't ridden in 17 years, it's nearly dangerous. But everyone survived, so that's good.
At one point, a driver of a Jeep pulled angrily and very quickly along side our stopped group to throw some curse words because apparently some member of the group yelled at him for being double-parked in the bike lane. He was in fact, breaking the law, but oddly enough he didn't seem to side with us. Weird.

Anyway, if you've never been to the American Youth Hostel at 891 Amsterdam Ave in NYC, it's really an essential trip. I think you can stay overnight starting at $29 and it's a very amazing building (this is a picture of the beautiful courtyard. Bike New York is based there and I love the trip in- I've found street parking four days straight! I've also learned that if you're stuck behind a garbage truck on pick-up day, you're screwed.

Rita Jenni-hooping!

2008-10-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

Like a duck to water. Art in motion. A born hooper. Shhhh, be quiet- Rita's concentrating...

Update # I've-given-up-keeping-track

2008-10-15T20:46:00.003-04:00

Here's my pitiful face in the dark sonogram room. Pathetic, huh?

Another day, another series of needles thrust deeply into my boob. I had my sonogram and the doctor didn't have the wand on me 10 seconds before she was like, "Yeah, I'm definitely going to biopsy that". She thinks it's most likely a lymph node, but wants to be sure. I'm astounded that between a sonogram, a mammogram and an MRI with contrast that we can't tell the difference between a tumor and a lymph node. WTF?! So, like a champ this time, I took it in stride. I'm so accustomed to bad news and needles that I already knew to expect it. I had the same nurse as last time, Marg. She told me I was doing much better than last- I told her I was over it. Over being upset about this whole thing- I'm numb to the shock of it all, or it's possible I've just really dealt with it. I feel peaceful, no matter what. Living is what happens in between all these appointments, so I might as well just get on and do it. I told Marg she was the nicest nurse I never wanted to see again.

So, arm up behind my head, the biopsy began. I instructed everyone (4 total people in this teeny tiny room) to not discuss needles with me. I turned my head and felt the first needle. I'm going to stop there at describing the needle action because I hate needles and just don't want to relive it. I should know in 3-4 days whether it was really a lymph node. I have a feeling everything's going to be ok. And even if it's not, it is. I didn't even cry during the biopsy. Well, I shed one or two tears at the 3rd needle aspiration because it was especially painful, but at least I didn't go through an entire box of tissues. I saved my crying for the car ride home. I don't know, I guess I just needed to let it out, and boy did I. I didn't succeed entirely though so be warned there are some tears in the chamber.

As I am leaving to go pick up Gray at my mom's house, I get a frantic call from my mother- my sister has been taken by ambulance to Good Sam hospital. I was literally 1/2 a block from the hospital at that point so I turned around and rushed there to find her. I ended up being there about 40 minutes before she arrived- one by one the family showed up there, we all arrived before her. So funny, as Melissa's riding in the ambulance, they were attempting to start an IV on her. She instructed them to pull over on the side of the NYS Thruway to do the IV instead of bouncing all over the place. She arrived with more than one puncture in her arm so maybe it was a really bouncy ride

Long story short, Melissa had a severe, excruciating headache that came on out of nowhere. She attempted to take Advil to relieve the pain but it didn't help. Then both her arms went numb, she was unable to correctly state her birthday, and saw white lights and couldn't speak for a short while. I immediately thought TIA or like a mini stroke. She's still at Good Sam, they want her overnight for observation and an MRI, it's possible a cat scan showed something going on, or not, we don't know.

On the plus side, I did manage to find the teeny tiniest door in all of creation. Check this thing out.

Agave lesson 101

2008-10-14T10:45:00.003-04:00

As my sweet agave, I do love you so.

Kingdom: Plantae
Division: Magnoliophyta
Class: Liliopsida
Order: Asparagales
Family: Agavaceae
Genus: Agave
Sometimes thought to be a cactus, it's actually closer to being a lily or amaryllis. This plant has a lot of great uses. Right now I'm relying heavily on agave as my only form of sweetner, which is expressed from the core of the plant. It's then put through several processes which produce agave nectar or syrup. Why you should care about this is because this sweetner has a very low gycemic index- meaning it won't cause your blood sugar to spike and then drop. I use it to sweeten my coffee or tea and my oatmeal and never feel that roller coaster. Granted, I don't use very much, but its mild flavor goes a long way.
Vegans and raw foodists like agave because it doesn't come from any animal (think honey from bees- some vegans believe this is exploiting bees) and it undergoes minimal processing to produce either light or dark nectar.
Agave syrup may be substituted for sugar in recipes.

If you'd like to substitute agave in your cooking:
Use 1/3 cup of agave syrup for every 1 cup of sugar in the original recipe.
The quantity of liquids in the original recipe must be reduced due to the moisture included in the syrup.
Some chefs also reduce the oven temperature by 25°F in recipes requiring baking.

It is also a very effective sweetener for cold beverages such as iced tea as, unlike sugar and honey, it dissolves readily in cold liquids. Bonus!

Know why else you care about agave? It's the source of TEQUILA! I have long loved good quality tequila (hello Don Julio Anejo- the BEST!)- Agave, I appreciate your contributions to this world.
Other uses- wow, there are a lot of good ones:

-Four major parts of the agave are edible: the flowers, the leaves, the stalks or basal rosettes, and the sap (called aguamiel—honey water). (Davidson 1999)

-Each agave plant will produce several pounds of edible flowers during the summer.

-The leaves may be collected in winter and spring, when the plants are rich in sap, for eating.

-The stalks, which are ready during the summer, before the blossom, weigh several pounds each. Roasted, they are sweet, like molasses.

-During the development of the inflorescence there is a rush of sap to the base of the young flower stalk. In the case of A. americana and other species, this is used in Mexico and Mesoamerica in the production of the beverage pulque.

-The flower shoot is cut out and the sap collected and subsequently fermented. By distillation, a spirit called mezcal is prepared; one of the most well-known forms of mezcal is tequila.

-When dried and cut in slices, the flowering stem forms natural razor strops, and the expressed juice of the leaves will lather in water like soap.

-The Natives of Mexico used the agave to make pens, nails and needles, as well as string to sew and make weavings. In India the plant is extensively used for hedges along railroads.

-When dried out, the stalks can be used to make didgeridoos.
Definitely a great, useful plant. Enjoy!

I'm certifiable

2008-10-13T19:45:00.008-04:00

Friday, Saturday and Sunday I took the League of American Bicyclist's Cycling Instructor course (it's call LCI). A very intensive almost 30-hour class which certifies people in how to teach a variety of cycling classes.
I arrived to class on Friday having had a bad headache for most of the day. As each moment passed in class, hour after hour, I alternated shivering tremendously and burning up. After 10 pm, I got home and realized I had about 103-104 degree fever. I loaded up on all things fever-fighting (thank goodness I had a prescription for antibiotics I'd just filled) and headed off to bed.
Saturday I woke up tired, having had night sweats all night, but made it through the day on my antibiotics and Tylenol. The fever didn't return.

Before the class started, we were issued an at-home test covering everything from bike maintenance, traffic law, pedaling/cadence, nutrition, everything. There were 85 questions- including about 10 short answers that were actually essay questions. We each had to earn a score of 85% and 85% on the different sections to pass. I earned 84% and 85% but after asking me one bike-related question, the instructor felt comfortable with my knowledge to pass me. Phew, close one. But I did better than the vast majority of the class. Only two other people passed that test.

Through the course of this class, each of the 18 participants had to teach two mini-modules, or mini-lessons. I was assigned "Intersection Positioning" and "Riding a straight line/Gearing"- for my lesson I had students do an activity where first they had to draw a bike, or write "bike" if they didn't want to draw. I loved their little post-its so much I asked to keep them- what cyclists has never doodled a bike? Together, they look like art, so I put them in my sketchbook.
I was happy there was a teaching component because being a teacher, I was comfortable and extremely well prepared in a room of mostly non-teachers. Several people said they'd steal my lesson for when they taught it too and that is the best- very flattering.

This guy's name is Eric Thumann- he rides an internally shifting 3-speed steel bike from 1966. It was beautiful and it's been all over the world. He is without question one of the coolest people I've ever ever met. We talked botany, we talked bikes, his happiness and disposition were contagious. Really, it was like an older male version of myself.

We did two early-morning rides to show the LCI who was rating us we knew how to signal, execute proper road positioning, avoid/handle obstacles, etc. We did a night ride and were evaluated on our visibility and how we outfitted our bike (I looked like a Christmas tree/landing strip I had so many lights).

We did hours upon hours of skill drills which we had to execute with mastery- rock dodges, avoidance turns, slolams, quick stops- that sort of thing. We even had to ride our bikes with our butts completely off the back end of the bike- just a few inches above the wheel- I've since named this move the nutcracker. We had to show we could get into that position, pedal, and stop. I learned it was much easier if I just laid my abdomen on the seat- I was so comfy I could've taken a nap.

The site coordinator brought in a box of jewelry that her friend had given her- apparently she wasn't the bike-jewelry kind of gal but had received a few things as gifts that she'd never wear so she was giving them away. I received this beautiful gold bike which I adore. What a great thing, I really cherish it already.

After this extremely long and sometimes tense weekend, several people from the class and I decided to go for a real ride through Manhattan. We took a leisurely path down the Hudson River Greenway, to WTC and then back up through the most-heavily trafficked parts of Manhattan. It was exhilerating and frightening at the same time.

I think my favorite part of the class was meeting people from so many different organizations- people working with students in the bronx, the deputy director of bicycle and pedestrian programs from the DOT, I Challenge Myself teachers, New York Bicycling Coalition- oh and a guy who works for Recycle-A-Bicycle. I tried to hit him up for a well-loved fixie but he said they don't have any. That saved me a trip into the city another day- I was planning to buy one.
So there you go, I'm now a certified cycling instructor with several more trainings already in the works. It's a good thing.

My Fellow What?!

2008-10-09T10:07:00.003-04:00

Uh, what?
Oh McCain. If you become president, will you entertain us ala Bushisms?
I love how NO ONE seems to react to what he just said.
Ah, just for fun, he's some other good ones:

The food on your family has always been one of my favorites.

And just to be fair, here's Obama, though his aren't nearly as funny.

You KNOW someone was behind this too:

All Hail Valium!

2008-10-07T15:09:00.003-04:00

I usually panic at MRI's. Either I've gotten really good at them or the valium I took really really worked. If you ever need to go have one of them done and you're nervous about it, tell your doctor you have anxiety and then go with the medication. I couldn't believe how at ease it made me. Today's test was a breeze- I didn't love the contrast they put in via IV, but that was ok. I think I even dozed off for a bit.

And my surgury date has been moved back to October 31 (you KNOW I'm going to show up in a costume)- my surgeon rescheduled for his own medical issue. I hope he's ok.

Now what could I dress up as? A doctor/nurse would be too obvious...

Update #2,347,812

2008-10-02T09:31:00.002-04:00

Been a while since an update so here goes:
I met my surgeon, Dr. Richard Davies. I liked him enormously from the moment I met him and my confidence in him grew more with each patient answer to every single question my mother and I could fire at him. He logically and honestly answered every question and waited until we had more. It seems as though he's genuinely concerned with breast cancer- research to help women, to cure them, to end this disease. He asked me to participate in a research study and I did so happily- after my appointment it was about an hour of further tests on my breast, mostly painless. If what I'm going through can help other women, I'm all for it. Karma bonus!

The nitty gritty:
Dr. Davies convinced me to have an MRI of both breasts. Because I'm so young, he doesn't want to take any chances that there's something we haven't yet detected. I'm terribly scared of the MRI because I'm claustrophobic, but also because a very large percentage of women who have MRIs end up with mastectomies. Because they detect so much, it's easy to get freaked out about whats going on in your breast. And they have a high percentage of false positives. He was very good about telling me not to freak out if I'm called back in for more ultrasounds/biopsies.

I asked Dr. Davies about the connection of food to breast cancer, and told him about my diet and exercise. He said there hasn't been a connection shown. We also talked about radiation- he told me about a 6 week course of radiation (not loving that) and about another one which is 1 week, twice a day, but that he didn't think I'd qualify for it based on breast size (thanks doc) and the fact that young women's breast tissue is so dense.

Fast forward- I pass Dr. Davies on my way to the research study and he's looking at my mammography films. He stopped me to compliment my diet and exercise. He said because of what I'm doing, my breast tissue is not dense- that's a really good thing- it makes it easier to see what's going on and it might allow me to have the 1 week radiation course. In fact, throughout the course of the several hours I was there, he complimented my diet and exercise three times in how it's made my body and tissue. That did not suck. AND he called me thin. Forget about what he said about this cancer being 97% curable, he called me thin. How could I not like him?

At one point in the appointmet, Dr. Davies, a proper, unanimated British man, mentioned that cure rate. I cut him off midsentence (very uncharacteristic of me as you probably know) and threw my hands up and said, "High five for being cured!!". He looked shocked at my infantile behavior, stopped what he was saying, smiled, and gave me two high fives. It was awesome.

I'm scheduled for the MRI next week. I've got my prescription for Valium all set up. I've stayed away from all anti-anxiety drugs through every needle and procedure, but I'm thinking I'll go ahead and take it easy for the MRI. Or I'll soldier through. It's been really important to me to stand on my own two feet through this- to dig to my deeper strength and that in turns gives me more strength.
Today I have to go get a surgical clearance from my primary doc- that should be nothing more than a physical and routine blood work.

Save the date:
Monday, October 13 is surgery. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for the healing circle all the way from Portland! If it does nothing else, it makes me feel better to know I'm being sent love.
Dr. Davies thinks he'll be able to make a small incision and remove just a few centimeters of tissue. I'll go under at 2:15, but will start the pre-op stuff at 10. I'll go home that day.

One major thing that he said that stuck with me. He said that I didn't have to make any decisions immediately. He said by the time you can feel a lump in your breast, it's already been growing for 10 years. 10 YEARS! So feel yourself up a lot ladies and gentlemen (yes men, don't forget.) I could not have possibly felt my situation, the microcalcifications were like grains of salt. And if you're going for a mammogram, try to find a place with digital imaging, not film. I can tell you first hand, the difference is like night and day.

One more note about diet and exercise: Research has shown that a low-fat diet and exercise has the same effectiveness in preventing breast cancer as some drugs. I'm sticking with that choice for sure.

Some info in my surgeon:
In addition to working for NASA, here's some info about him:
Dr. Davies belongs to 20 national societies including: The Society of University Surgeons, The National Surgical Adjuvant Breast and Bowel Project (NSABP), The New York Surgical Society, The Association for Academic Surgery, The Society for Surgical Oncology, The American Physiological Society, The New York Academy of Science, and The American Association for the Advancement of Science.

He is listed in “Best Doctors in America,” Marquis’ “Who’s Who in America” and “Who’s Who Millennium Edition,” “International Who’s Who of Professionals 2000,” and the November, 1998 New Jersey Monthly issue entitled “Top Doctors in New Jersey” for surgical oncology.

In addition, he was named in "Who's Who in Science and Technology," the Lexington "Who's Who,” Strathmore’s “Who’s Who,” and Empire’s “Who’s Who.” Dr. Davies was also recognized in the “Best Doctors in the New York Metro Region” by Castle and Connolly in 2001 and “America’s Top Surgeons” by The Consumer’s Research Council the following year.

Dr. Davies was listed as one of The Best Breast Cancer Specialists by Redbook in 2001, and Ladies Home Journal in 2002, and one of the best 1,500 physicians in the New York region in New York magazine in 2002.

A counting dog- you have to see this

2008-10-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

That's UNREAL.

Palin is Failin'

2008-10-01T09:28:00.002-04:00

I'm not even going to bother posting the whole first Couric interview and shore up the economy/healthcare debacle. That was painful to watch, though entertaining in an I-can't-look-away-from-this-train-wreck sort of way. I'd read already that Palin has made herself very inaccessible to the press, giving them mere seconds (literally) to observe her or speak with her. And then I saw this today.
What's remarkable about it to me is not just that she again has given Couric access to her, but that she 1) can't answer what newspaper she reads (obviously none) 2)falls for Katie's, "I'm just curious..." line without realizing she's being set up for a GOTCHA question. "Oh yah, it's just Katie, we're ghonna talk about some theengs".
McCain is 72. His father died of natural causes at 70, I think I read his grandfather died at like 60-something. Come on now- do the math!
I absolutely positively cannot wait for the VP debate. I think Palin will be polished, but I'm hoping that Biden will anticipate her stock answers and try to steer the debate to slightly more impromptu topics. It's gonna be fun.

Improv Everywhere photos

2008-09-28T20:07:00.003-04:00

The photographers have put their pics up, the comment on flickr about the bottom one made my day- I WAS smiling the whole time!
Go to my Flickr page to see more.

Size 4 Jeans

2008-09-28T16:26:00.003-04:00

I was excited when I got to size 8 jeans. On a whim I tried 6 last week and they were snug, but not squeeze-into-them snug. Today I bought a pair of size 6 jeans and was surprised at how easily they went on, so I decided to push my luck and try on size 4. Whaddya know. Here I am.

The Agony of Man on Governor's Island

2008-09-27T23:20:00.001-04:00

The Agony of Man on Governor's Island
Originally uploaded by Stephen Sandoval / PursueBliss.com

Such a cool sculpture on the island. Though visually poignant, the people I saw today considered it more a participatory sort of piece and were taking pictures in various states of, well, interaction with this mostly anatomically correct sculpture. I believe two pieces of orb-shaped rebar would've done the trick.

Improv Everywhere

2008-09-27T22:41:00.004-04:00

So in a nutshell, this group Improv Everywhere does these events where you don't know what you're going to be doing necessarily until you show up, or in this case, until you hit play and start listening to the mp3 file we all put on our ipods/players. We then followed many commands and had a glorious time improving everywhere. I am absolutely going to do another event, it was a ton of fun.

I thought I was ridiculously early- the event didn't start until 3:15 and I was catching the 1:00 ferry, but here were some other participants. We were instructed to download the mp3 file, wear a blue, red, yellow or green shirt, bring an uninflated balloon and an umbrella.

This one cracks me up- the little life-vest guy underneath the two girls- he's wearing a red shirt like he's in on it too.

We all kind of congregated on these porches- this is right before we were to begin.

I didn't do any video on how the event went- I'll post links to the official site for that when they have their stuff up- there were lots of photogs and videographers.

The ferry ride on the way back was just as much fun as the event. Between chanting and singing and rocking the boat, we were rolling with laughter.

Watch until about 30 seconds in. People are actually chanting, "We got the bear!" in our rivalry between the two sides of the ferry. The bear made an appearance on our side and people went crazy!

Me and Gray

2008-09-27T13:01:00.001-04:00

He's so cute

I hardly want to bother...

2008-09-24T21:04:00.004-04:00

UPDATE: WEDNESDAY'S BIOPSY IS BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna give this the quick and dirty run down on today- here goes:
I have an appointment next week for a consult with my second-opinion breast surgeon. He reviewed my films and called me in to have additional mammography pics. I was excited- I hoped it would show nothing.
Got there this morning, 9:15. A while later I had my mammography. The doc ordered pics of the biopsy site, but also several of the left breast which had previously been declared fine.
After my first mammo, went to sit back in the waiting room. Got called back for more pics, again the left. Went back to the waiting room. Got called for a sonogram of the left. The doctor who performed the sonogram thinks she saw something. She called another doctor in who thought it was just a lobule, but the first doc wanted a biopsy. So out came the needles and the tears, mine, not hers- though I was so pitiful the nurse told me she was going to cry with me. I went through an entire box of tissues. Awh.

The needle biopsy was less painful and shorter than the other biopsy on the right. Tissue sample came out, new titanium jewelry went in- now I have a matching set, though they're slightly different.

Then, the mammography that follows the biopsy. I dreaded it and there were more tears. I walked in, sad, and asked the technician to please be gentle. Attila the Hun denied me this request. I really thought there was nothing doing in the left breast, and there still might not be...we'll see next week when I get the results.
The doc said I definitely need surgery in the original site though- the lumpectomy, though she didn't necessarily say I should have radiation.

The good parts of the day- sitting in the waiting rooms from 9:14- 4:00 and commiserating with the other ladies. We had some good laughs, especially from women who declared that if they had to have mastectomies, they'd be fine with it- several even said they had their new boobs already picked out!
Another woman shared her story- she had a normal mammo, came back 14 months later for her next yearly and had stage 2 cancer, spread to the lymph. (Lesson here: don't delay! I guess it can grow that fast!)

I had no idea I'd be there so long today, I had just a fruit smoothie for breakfast (strawberry, banana, concord grapes, blueberries, YUM!). After the first few hours, I was in with the sweetest tech and told her I was hungry, the center only offered cookies and other crap. She actually gave me part of her own lunch- some delicious almonds. That was so generous and angelic. I was able to share them with another woman who is diabetic.

Well, that's my update. Thank you again for all your prayers and thoughts and vibes, your sweet supportive emails. I really feel like this is all going to be ok, just gotta get through all this crap first.

Oh yeah, still going strong strong strong with my diet. I haven't cheated at all, though today I wanted to eat a dozen donuts. Really. I was close to it. Made my own mayonnaise from scratch too and indulged in eggsalad. It was divine. I coudldn't even finish it. I've gotten my drastic weight loss to abate too. Good.

Bed time! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!

And it's legal too!

2008-09-22T21:46:00.003-04:00

Of course her name is JEN. Sheesh. She calls herself Jen Earth Friend I think. Ah, a hippie after my own heart. Though to ride naked I think I'd have to have a few drinks. Well, maybe one. Or not, who knows.

I think the name Jen translates to "She who likes to be naked in nature".

Tuesday night- send vibes!

2008-09-21T22:45:00.003-04:00

Wednesday I'm going to have another series of mammograms- I am hoping, praying, asking that all the films show that I do not have cancer- not that they don't find any cancer, that I do not HAVE cancer. I've asked some of you already if you'd pray for me Tuesday night, 7:30. I'm going to sit and meditate at that same time, and would love to receive any of your positive thoughts, wishes, prayers, vibes....whatever it is you might do, would you please send me them, focused at that time? Or heck, just send me love. That's always awesome.

THANK YOU!

Grateful

2008-09-19T16:51:00.002-04:00

I'm going to do a quick update and then enjoy my time here at Auntie's house in PA. I had my second acupuncture treatment today, it went well. Ken declared that treatment is working! (As I just wrote that, a bald eagle flew directly in front of me, very close to the house. WOW WOW WOW).
So at one point, he had me lay down and when I did that, he noticed my belly button ring. He excitedly exclaimed that it had to come out, that it was very bad for the energy flow, and that I should take it out right now. I of course did, though I was giggling at his reaction, and because, well he makes me giggle. I took it out- goodbye my old friend. (Well I guess if you were hurting me you're not an old friend, but whatever). I got my bellybutton pierced more than 15 years ago and have had a ring in it ever since, except when I was pregnant. Onto helping it heal, more wheat germ oil. On that note, I did a lot of research about it and wheat germ really does wonders for the skin- if you have any scars, I highly recommend using it. The first thing Ken said to me when I walked in today was, "Have you been using the wheat germ?! I can tell!
I had my treatment after removing my ring and Ken came back into the room to chat for a minute. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "You're gonna be ok". I reacted as I do when everyone tells me that and just said thanks. He said, "You ARE gonna be ok Jen. I have other patients with cancer and I wouldn't tell them that. You're gonna be ok." I start crying whenever I think about that. Such good stuff.

So I'm going to stay the course I've been on, avoiding simple sugars, eating lots of fruits and veggies and nuts and seeds and adding in some rice powder shakes for protein. I'll continue to eat salmon, but I just couldn't agree to Ken's request that I eat chicken.
The upside to this new way of eating is that I lost more than 5 lbs in the first week. Now actually this is the first time I've changed my eating and NOT wanted to lose weight, but whatever. If it means I'll be healthy, I'll take it.
Oh yeah, and Ken gave me a video of him teaching qiqong. I'm going to start learning tonight. As an aside, there are two Hershey bars in the refrigerator here and I think I'll have to throw them in the river to avoid eating them. Oh yeah and caramel syrup...I think I'd lick the bottom of a shoe if it was covered in caramel syrup!
The arrival of a curious black spider beneath my wrists seems to be signaling me to wrap this up. I'm going to meditate, go for a walk, do some rebounding (basically it's boucing on a small trampoline which I just found in Auntie's garage- yay!) and take a very hot steam or jacuzzi. (FYI- rebounding is supposed to be very beneficial for cleaning out the lymph- who knew just bouncing could do that?)

I'm grateful for your prayers and healing energy, grateful I have people around me who are helping me heal and sending me love, and I'm grateful for this time I can take to work on everything. Thank you thank you thank you.

New York State Department of hEDache

2008-09-16T12:03:00.003-04:00

UPDATE:
Certificate issued! Matt hung in there on the phone, finally got through to someone. They simply looked at my file and said it was issued. So basically that means someone didn't do their job- all the information they needed was there, they just didn't review it correctly. Great.

I loathe calling about my certificate issues. So, I begged Matt to do it. He's been on hold so long, he transcribed the entire content of their labrinthyne phone system which ultimately disconnects you before you can ever speak to anyone. Always. It's impossible. I attempted to circumnavigate this absurdity by photocopying nearly every document in my possession, mailing it to them hoping that I had somehow miraculously provided what they needed, and begged them to call me. Of course, none of that was effective.
This cracks me up. It's absurd. Freakin' ridiculous actually. It made Matt drop the "f" bomb, and if you know Matt, he NEVER drops the "f" bomb.

Welcome to the New York State education dept Office of Teaching Initiatives teacher certification help line. Representatives are available to speak to you Monday through Friday between 9am and 4:30pm

The teacher certification help line is designed to provide automated information, access to faxable applications and forms, and access to customer service staff. Unfortunately because of the large volume of calls we receive, you may not be able to reach customer service staff during peak times. For alternative ways to contact us please have a pen available and listen carefully for our web address and fax number.

Please note, due to the complexity of the individual evaluation process we cannot provide evaluations over the phone or by fax or email. Comprehensive information including the requirements for each type of certification available in New York State, information about the application process and online applications are available on our website at

w w w dot highered dot nysed dot gov slash tcert

that's, w w w dot h i g h e r e d dot n y s e d dot g o v forward slash t c e r t

Please listen carefully to this news. We are pleased to announce our new online teacher certification system – TEACH Online Services. TEACH features include online applications for teacher certification, fingerprint clearance, name change or correction, and duplicate certificate. You also have the ability to update your personal history, pay for your applications online by credit card and check the status of your pending applications online in a secure environment. Applying online cuts the processing time of paper applications and gives you instant access to your certification file. TEACH is fast easy and secure. To learn more about features and to access TEACH online services go to our website at:

w w w dot highered dot nysed dot gov slash tcert

that's w w w dot h i g h e r e d dot n y s e d dot g o v forward slash t c e r t and click on the TEACH Online Services icon.

If you would like to write to the Office of Teaching Initiatives or access the Office of Teaching Initiatives homepage on the World Wide Web please press 1 now.

If you would like information about your application for certificate based on the completion of a teacher education program, please press 3 now.

To hear detailed information on the application procedure, testing requirements, child abuse and school violence prevention workshop requirements and specific certification requirements, press 4 now.

Office of Teaching Initiatives representatives are available to speak with you Monday through Friday, 9 am to 4:30 pm. If you wish to speak to an Office of Teaching Initiatives representative please press 5 now.

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Please stay on the line while we connect you to a representative.

Please note that the evaluation of an application for a teaching certificate cannot be done over the phone. Currently individual transcript evaluation of applications can take from 14 to 18 weeks. College recommended applications for first-time teachers are usually processed within two weeks. If you meet all requirements for the certificate for which you applied, and you are offered a teaching position in a public school, the Superintendent can request an expedited evaluation of your pending application. Superintendents have this contact information.

If you wish to speak with staff, please press 1.

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fax us at 518-474-6950, or call back at another time. We apologize for any inconvenience. Unless you press 1 now this call will be disconnected. Thank you.

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- Show quoted text -

What layer?!

2008-09-15T10:07:00.005-04:00

Part of the therapy I'm doing with acupuncture involves treatment of some scars that I have. According to chinese medicine, energy flows through the body along meridians- basically these are the places where the acupuncture needles are places to increase the flow of energy which could be leading to the health problems you experience. That's pretty much the extent to which I'll explain it, but check out this meridian diagram-
When I was 15 and 16, I had two heart procedures which left scars on my body. One in on my neck, my right side. The other two were on either side of my groin. Check out that diagram- do you see where the meridian runs through? Yep, the breast- specifically my right breast is the one with the DCIS.
Part of the treatment involves putting wheat germ oil on the scars to help them get better.

So I was looking up today what it is about the oil that is supposed to be so good and I found this. I couldn't help but laugh- um, exactly what layer does this work on?!
Just thought it was funny.

New eating, new treatment

2008-09-14T10:50:00.003-04:00

Well, the treatment's actually not new, it's Chinese medicine and acupuncture. I'm still pursuing a second opinion and have not eschewed western medicine, but in the meantime, I'm going to do all that I can to help myself. The acupuncture is phenominal. And I've taken on a new away of eating. It goes like this:
No meat
No dairy
No sugar
No wheat (and really severely limiting rice)
No alcohol
No coffee
So this morning I had a bowl of twigs with some grass. But I'm still learning what to eat. I'm also trying to avoid foods I know that will have an effect on the estrogen receptor status of these cells that I may or may not have. Yesterday I ate eggs and broccoli for breakfast- I put some turmeric in with them- had a bunch (and by bunch I mean far too many) of almonds, some raspberries, some bananas, an orange, Ezekiel bread with almond butter (that was really good and it was on the "approved" food list, but it's made from sprouted wheat- I don't get it?) a few cups of organic green tea with lemon (a little agave nectar in one cup, a treat!) and for dinner I made this delicious soup- vegan broth, organice tomato paste, celery, onions, kale, butternut squash, also added turmeric to that. It was so good! If you've never tried putting kale into a soup, I highly recommend it. It doesn't taste bitter at all and is nice and chewy, just put it in early, it can take a little while to cook.
I've also been walking >2 miles a day and listening to Lhama Tashi meditating mantras. They're intense, check him out on iTunes. Oh yeah, and yesterday I had a great meditation session by the stream (or is it a brook?) down the street. It felt nice to sit by the water- managed to take away the splitting headache I had. Healing!

What you can do for me

2008-09-10T23:59:00.002-04:00

Tonight I had a rough time. I got upset thinking about all this medical stuff, essentially I was astounded at my young age- that this is something that normally, should there actually be a "normal" about it, occurs in women who are 50, 60 years old. They deal with the statistics I'm dealing with- recurrence rates, survival rates, etc. But being diagnosed at 60 I imagine is a lot different than 33. Could it really be that I'm looking at so many years of wondering all the time between mammograms if I have cancer- a recurrence, a tumor, an invasion, etc? It seems like an eternity to me- from 33 until the end of my life- wow, that overwhelmed me. And I got sad. I got really, really, sobbing sad.
I was talking to Matt about how I will soon be radically changing my eating- to accommodate a more balanced plan for my body, my hormones, my chi, whatever you want to call it. I imagined that each meal for possibly the rest of my life, I would be reminded why I was eating this way- that the "cancer" cognizance would be omnipresent. It contributed to my ultra sadness, am I going to live the rest of my life thinking about it in the labored, measured integrals of mealtime?
As I sit here, I remembered something. Something that has gotten me through some really tough times lately. Be present.
Be PRESENT.
Don't be upset about the future- don't project into the future, don't hold illusions about what could be, what should be. Just be present.
Why am I worrying about something 10, 20, 40 years into the future? I can't possibly know what the future holds, so if I can just be present, deal with each moment as it comes, that will save me a lot of sadness.
So what you can do for me. Remind me to be present.
Oh yeah, and if Danielb or Gerry could step up and give me those carbon water bottle cages (as presents, get it?), that'd be good too.

Now THAT looks like a wrap dress

2008-09-10T13:48:00.002-04:00

I'll update soon on today's appointment, but to hold you over, here's a pic from today's appointment...now this gown I had on correctly and it definitely looked like a wrap dress.
UPDATE: So many things to talk about. Today's appointment went pretty much exactly the way I expected it to. Well, actually maybe not exactly. I have to say Sloane Kettering Memorial Hospital was pleasant and efficient- the office was nice, the intake was zippy, the coffee and snacks appreciated. My mom went with me today- much appreciated.
I did some paperwork then got to change into the lovely gown above. A knee-length gown- when do you see those anymore?
So, the doctor came in, did a breast exam, sitting and laying down then told me she'd be back to talk to me. We waited a while then were ushered into her office. She said the biopsy got all the affected tissue and "they" (though who "they" is was not explained ever and I didn't care to ask) feel there were no other suspicious areas of the film in either breast. Yay, that was great great news- remember from the other post I was worried about the other white spots. Mommy and I were so happy about that part I think- we both asked again later just to make sure.
She recommended either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. Neither of these surprised me, I have been doing my research. The part I didn't like was her insistance on lumpectomy with radiation. The radiation would occur every day for FIVE weeks. When I questioned her about the possibility of lumpectomy without radiation, her response was a curt "No" followed by a statistic that there's a recurrance rate of 40% without radiation.
Now let's get to the parts that I didn't like.
I didn't like that whenever I asked a question, she tapped her hands (ala air drum) on the desk. Being a body-language interpreter (novice, of course) I felt this was condescending and inattentive, it also appeared that she was merely entertaining me asking questions. And she was prepared with some pretty stock answers.
I asked about this estrogen receptor type of breast cancer and if food had any impact. (Cue air drums). "No." She said my ovaries already produced a ton of estrogen and that food couldn't possibly make an impact.
What about the progestrone cream? She was totally against this- I don't recall what she said exactly but dumbfounded shock over a silly suggestion might just be slightly exaggerating her expression.
Did it matter that my grandmother's breast cancer was not estrogen-receptive? (drums). "No."
The idea of a lumpectomy didn't scare me, especially since I learned of the small sample size that would be removed- she said about 1 1/2 x 1 1/2. She didn't offer the third dimension...
I asked about having an MRI of the breast. This is a most curious response. She said that would open up a whole bag of worms- that the imaging would show so much that I would HAVE to have surgery. I think what she meant was that any doctor presented with that data would feel compelled (lest they be considered negligent? I'm guessing) to remove the breast. Maybe that's the reason that 70% of women who have MRIs get mastectomies?
She told me about the out-patient process for the lumpectomy and the scar. Not scary, I would be sedated (yes!) and it would take 2 days or so to get back on my feet, though it would hurt for a while. (This biopsy still is slightly bothersome, I can imagine a lumpectomy would be bothersome for months like Aunt Diane's).
Radiation.
I know of many instances from what I've read about women having lumpectomies and not radiation. I asked what the bad part of radiation would be- she said a leathering of the skin, a burn like sunburn, and a chance of secondary cancer. She did not know of any instances of anyone actually getting whatever that secondary cancer was. She said too the radiation would affect the reconstuctive process, but didn't elaborate except to say it was still possible. (That means getting a breast implant after the surgery if I chose mastectomy.) The radiation option does not sit well with me.
She also mentioned Tamoxifin. She said it's a drug that blocks the estrogen, that it's a preventative measure and not a treatment and that it's rather unpleasant. She described some of the side effects. My mom asked if she was recommending it, she said she wasn't doing anything, just telling us about it. That was a peculiar answer. If I wanted it, I'd go on a FIVE YEAR course of it. HUH?!!
Well, that's my story. She told me I could fill out some paperwork today and schedule this for next week. I told her I was not prepared to sign any papers today. I asked about a wait-and-see timeframe- if the biopsy removed the only suspicious calcifications, can we wait 6 months, have another mammography and go from there. No, once you're diagnosed with breast cancer, you should start treatment.
Regardless of whatever she said today or how much I liked or didn't like her, it has always been my intention to get another opinion. That's where I'm at now- I'm going to plan for some other information. In the meantime, I'm going to acupuncture on Friday and will also be looking into some natural medicine. It's an enormous amount to digest at this point. The good news is that 1) I am empowering myself to make these decisions 2) I don't have to do anything immediately, I have a little time.
Soon, I'll be posting a story about a new friend, Charles, who reached out to me from California. His wife has DCIS and they have so far eschewed surgery.

Amazing animals

2008-09-09T19:49:00.002-04:00

Wow, this is pretty impressive. This one is just puppies. The next one is absolutely unbelievable.

The Hugging Lion. If this video doesn't make you smile, you're made of stone. I'm excited they're going to make this into a movie- apparently there's a whole 9-part series of this entire story, but this video is the short and sweet version.

DCIS- So many conflicting opinions!

2008-09-09T12:17:00.003-04:00

Before the results of my biopsy, I had read about DCIS. I remember one doctor talking about how women freak out when they're told they have DCIS because they feel they just got a cancer diagnosis. So when the doctor said those words to me, I didn't freak out as much as I could have. I was like, oh, ok, well, it could be worse, right? (Don't get me wrong, I freaked out pretty nicely- notice I said I didn't freak out as much as I could have- I still had plenty left to give at the end of my freak out session.)
Then I came home and started researching and I got sick to my stomach- it IS cancer I learned. And then more reading, it ISN'T as bad as I thought. Then I started researching my treatment options- gulp, mastectomy. I got upset again, but I want to really know what I'm looking at. Then I read that 60,000 women a year are getting mastectomies and perhaps this form of treatment is too aggressive. So confusing!!!!
I have been reading a lot about estrogen- I don't have the energy to tackle that topic right now, but I'm looking forward to all my appointments coming up soon to see if I can't get myself back in balance. I know one thing, I am not jumping into any surgery in the immediate future, and I plan to collect a LOT of opinions, including my own internal one.

From BreastCancer.org:
So, is DCIS actually cancer? The answer is yes, because DCIS is an uncontrolled growth of breast cells. On the other hand, it is a cancer that doesn't behave like most cancers. DCIS hasn't started to break through normal tissue, which means it's not life-threatening like cancer.

From the National Cancer Institute:
Some people include DCIS in breast cancer statistics. (Emphasis added by me.)

From the Mayo Clinic:
Although DCIS is an early form of breast cancer, it's noninvasive, meaning it hasn't spread out of the milk duct to invade other parts of the breast. Some experts consider DCIS to be a "preinvasive" condition. DCIS is the most common type of noninvasive breast cancer.

Cancerbackup.org:
It is important to remember that although DCIS should be treated to prevent it developing into an invasive breast cancer, it is not harmful at this stage.

Healthy.net:
'Doctors should make it clear that DCIS is not cancer; it is only a possible precancer,' says Dr Eric Wiener, head of breast oncology at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Massachusetts.
The calcifications are believed to be the precursors of cancer, but they are not in themselves cancerous. Nevertheless, they are somewhat misleadingly called ‘carcinomas in situ’ (CIS), which means ‘cancers in place’.

HealthCentral.com
...you’ve been diagnosed with a type of breast cancer that latest statistics show is 98% to 99% curable.
Technically DCIS is not cancer, but a “pre-cancerous” condition because it has not yet developed the ability to invade tissue which is a hallmark of cancer.

(This seems to happen a lot- many doctors say this is not cancer and then continue to call it cancer through the course of their articles.)

Pomegranate yumminess

2008-09-07T19:03:00.001-04:00

But at least I had fun on the way

2008-09-07T18:28:00.002-04:00

Ah, gotta love it.

Mr. Stylish

2008-09-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Stevie- dressed and ready to go! His unexpected early discharge left him with no clothes, I picked up this lovely ensemble. He said he's warm and comfortable.

The Week in Review

2008-09-06T12:10:00.004-04:00

UPDATE: Just got a call, Uncle Stevie's coming home now- I'm hurrying out the door with Paul to get him settled at home. Mommy and Paul have said that if I need to, I should sling Uncle Stevie over my shoulder and carry him upstairs. What are they trying to say?!

What a week. I don't know that I can ever recall a week like this. Let's see, I got news of breast cancer, Uncle Stevie had a quintuple bypass, Jordyn's grandmother, Cathy, suffered a massive blot clot and brain seizures, she will most likely be removed from the respirator, Paul's friend Arnold lost his wife, Melissa's friend committed suicide, I got rear ended. Did I miss anything?

So that's the crap. Where's the good?

People have gone out of their way to care for each other, support each other, be good to each other. I put a deposit on a new bike, I laughed myself silly with the neighbors trying to get Mike to hula hoop and/or wear a skirt, I don't think after all my bike rack got damaged from the impact, made a bunch more hula hoops, Gray had his first day of kindergarten and loves it there (yay!), I managed to not get lost taking the bus back from NYC (like last time where I rode the bus so long I ended up back at the depot. true story). I'm still feeling sore from the biopsy (shesh, when will that go away?!), but I managed to win one of two hula contests last night, so bonus- and Uncle Stevie is coming home tomorrow! Matt got an award at work for redoing their website- congratulations!

I want to say thank you to all the people who have reached out to me this week. It has been tough but I know everything's going to be ok. I got a lot of hugs, a lot of love. I like the hugs (more please), I like the love (keep it comin'). I'm not loving listening to cancer stories or rememdies from oncology doctors- I know it's a natural thing to talk about but if you could bear to save those, I'd appreciate it. (Or I'll probably cut you off mid sentence- I'm just not into talking about "c" all the time). Please know that I'm not shy, I'll ask for what I need, I promise. (Melissa G. I do need the numbers of your people in Hackensack)

Anyway, there it is. Week in review- let's rack up more good!

My films

2008-09-05T15:23:00.003-04:00

Maybe it's just the science teacher in me, maybe it's my need to have as deep an understanding of this whole breast cancer thing as possible, but I think these films are so fascinating. I have to say, seeing the spots made me gasp- like wow, there they are, that's really it. I think in my healing thoughts and practice, this will help me to visualize what it is and to make it go away. I actually have the pathology slides as well, I'm going to borrow a microscope and check those out too as soon as I can, or wait until I bring them to the surgeon and bug them to let me see.

Here's post biopsy. You can see my new jewelry as the marker. Wow.
When I look at these films, I see the other little white dots you're seeing too- I don't know if that's a film issue or more microcalcifications/ areas of DCIS. I'll put that on my list of questions for the surgeon.

Thanks Jay.

2008-09-04T19:15:00.001-04:00

That doesn't suck. Good thing today was already a crying day.